The Journey of a Clown to life, day 1

15 Apr

I am leaving the Circus.

All my entire life I have used the same act of lying of deceiving of becoming a nice picture for others to be able to fit in the society, Is everything that I am able to remember about me, the same routine every day, using this or that clothes and be a pretty picture that can be accepted, making a ridiculous joke of myself so that others can feel comfortable with my presence, everything an act, everything a lie, Is this the moment to leave the circus act? I don´t guess any longer, it´s a certainty that something has to be done and for that I have to put both feet out of the circus without looking back.

I knew within myself that every lie that I have ever said were going to come to this point, in which I would finally have to face them all once and for all, to never do it again, in a single commitment to myself which is that of standing in self responsibility as self honesty; the point of committing begins here in this moment, and I cannot look back again to the circus, because that would be a lie, a lie which I can no longer accept myself to live, my words and my writings are the tools from which I am going to draw to myself a map out of this circus to life; my starting point is and has to be my commitment to live in self honesty as my discipline, as my foundation.

But, where do I begin? From here, from this moment, sharing myself, sharing what I face in this moment and why I have came to make this commitment, that actually will be the beginning to get to the end which is when I finally leave this circus, it would not be easy to take all the memories and experiences that I experienced, pictures and presentations of myself, personalities and disguises that I have used for my act, therefore the only way to get out of the circus is to analyze as I walk this process of leaving the circus what are the things that I am able to take with me and what things I will simply not going to take with me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to commit myself in this process with myself to get it done holding onto ideas, perceptions and believes about myself as being inferior or less than others and incapable to compromise myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually believe and create the idea and perception of myself as being less or inferior and placing those ideas as justifications and excuses to not have to stand up and  take responsibility for myself and for what I have accepted and allowed myself to do and to not do in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I didn´t had the capacity to commit myself and to actually fulfill this commitment taking responsibility for myself in every moment of every breath to actually fulfill this commitment for myself doing whats is necessary to be done to end my patterns of emotions and feelings which I have come to believed to be who I am and what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to give up my energetic experience of emotions and feelings defining myself within the whole experience of this emotions and feelings and actually becoming to afraid of give them up by holding on these self-created pictures and ideas of who I am and what am I able to be and become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give on to laziness and fear so that I could apparently have a justification and excuse to not give up my entire experience of emotions and feelings in which I have come to define myself within and as this emotions and feelings, not actually realizing that to be able to fulfill this commitment I have to actually stand up and leave all my self-definitions and ideas created within myself as being this self-image and self -created picture about who I am

I somehow have came to perceive myself to be this self-created picture with my daily participation on this thoughts emotions and feelings that I didn´t allowed myself to realize that everyday, they are actually the same, I mean, is like having to remember to yourself what you are accordingly to this judgments, just like in a circus, you have to repeat the same act, over, and over again, until is “perfect”, and I see this ignorance that appears to be just to big, the fact that I have become this ignorance and this searching for myself and this not knowing of who I actually am, only because alll of this judgments that I experienced in the past seemed to go accordingly to this judgments, but I actually was the one thinking those ideas, judgments and believes about who I am in those moment of those experiences to apparently not lose What I have come to know or perceive myself to be, but if I actually was aware that I was able to change in those moments and I deliberately didn´t do it to remain within an emotional pattern then what I am actually stating is that I didn´t changed before because I have not wanted, I created this incapability of standing up, I created the whole experience of it

I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to participate within this judgments and perceptions about who I am or who I have to apparently be, by not daring to actually compromise myself with myself to change this whole pattern of thoughts and ideas within myself as this incapability and this not knowing of who I am,trying to create and sustain the idea of who I am by repeating to myself the same judgments and believes as telling to myself that I am incapable of standing up and end this emotions and feelings to not dare to participate within this experience anymore

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to end the experience of emotions and feelings by facing my thoughts, perceptions and ideas about who I am and who I have become apparently

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea perception and believe that I am incapable of standing up and end up my experience of emotions and feelings

I compromise and commit myself to face and end every single pattern that I find within myself or that I experience within my emotions and feelings, whenever I see myself participating within an emotional or energetic experience or pattern of emotions and feelings I would face it, in the moment, living my words and my commitment till I come to the point where I can actually state I am not a Clown anymore which would be certainly the experience of nothingness.

This journey has just begun and is a long way ahead to walk, to get out of the circus, Thanks to everyone reading this or maybe no one reading this

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One Response to “The Journey of a Clown to life, day 1”

  1. annn1986 April 15, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Very cool way of putting this as being ” a clown”. Thx!

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