The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 2

16 Apr

How to love myself when I am a Clown?

There are many things that I could list about what I don´t like about the clowns or of the clowns themselves, beginning for the fact that the picture presentation of a Clown is what one could perceive about the clown itself, just to be able to recognize when a clown is a clown you need to look at their presentation and that is what defines a Clown to be a Clown, and there are another type of Clowns, those that get angry for everything, or those that get sad very easily, or what about those Clowns that tell you jokes in the street trying so hard to make you laugh and then when you look at them directly at the eyes, you can notice that their laugh is in fact just a reaction in nervous to your inexpressive face; whatever the case I have been all of those tree guys, or those different examples of the same, whatever.

So, How does one love thyself when you know you are a clown and in fact you realize within yourself, Oh my God, I don´t like the Clowns and I am one!

I have been searching for an answer to this dilemma since the very day that I just arrived the Circus, and for many years I heard the same things from psychologists, teachers, family, friends, etc.  Love yourself, and when that happened I would usually ask them, how to love myself when I am a Clown? and conveniently I recently looked out at this particular point, realizing within myself that I haven´t loved myself because I have never seen myself as something more than just a clown and it was truly amazing how I would usually speak to myself to deal with any particular task, calling me idiot and imbecile and stupid, and for a moment I stopped and I asked myself, why I have to do this to me? is this necessary? When is that I begun to do this onto me? and specially, why is that I do this? I am also one of those clowns that tell beautiful things to the woman expecting to attain a particular reaction from them to be able to feel good about myself.

Within that, I was just asking and asking, over and over again, almost recriminating to myself , why?, how?, when?, etc. And that is when I stopped for a moment, and I looked right onto the point, and in that moment I said, well, all my life I have been trying to not be a clown, denying the fact that I have in fact grown as one, but, a clown can do many things and all of those things do not define them as just a clown, there are certain things of the clowns that I don´t like, specially of the kind of clowns that one could say, is a truly bad clown…, but I never had to actually remain as a clown all my life, I was able to decide in every moment whether if I would be or not be a clown in my act, I was able to decide, but actually one is not always able to see this because you are saying within yourself that you are just a clown and you look for something that makes you different or special in someway or another, and that is when you try so hard to do a better act trying to find out the “formula” to do something amazing or maybe to just look for the better way to hide yourself effectively so that you don´t have to compromise with the “public” that then you come to realize that this is only conformed by other clowns as yourself, because in this world there has never been a man or a child on the public looking your act, you try so hard to not be a clown, making something better than what a clown is apparently able to be or to do, and when you realize that you are on the top of a gigantic ball juggling, is when you see, Fuck, I have become a clown. It was so hard your desire to not be a clown that you did everything to not be a clown instead of just realizing that a clown is always trying to do something to show an amazing feat so that he/she is able to attain a little bit of glory trying to be seen as more than a clown, but in fact he/she has tried to not be a clown by becoming more than a clown and trying to do more things that what the clowns “usually do”, you know what I mean?

You have tried to not be a clown by doing more things that what you know the clowns usually do and each time that you were failing it was something very funny for others…I mean, you become the act, not realizing that you were able to just stop thinking that you are a clown and then realizing that just a clown is able to judge another clown because just a clown is able to know what a clown do, therefore if you stop the judgments, and your attempting to try to not be a clown denying the fact that you are trying to not be what you are already judging within yourself, then you would actually realize something, you will start to see the clowns in a very different way, you will start to see people around you that is trying to be special and different, trying to become something great or superior when in fact, there was no one in this world actually telling them that they are clowns and that they should behave like that, they choose to be clowns in the moments they judge themselves as one.

I will share a little bit of forgiveness so that you are able to help yourself in realizing this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself whenever I made a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make a mistake in front of others imagining that the people was going to laugh of myself for making a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the people to love me and appreciate me by trying to become something special so that I could become more valuable than other people

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself for a picture presentation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this perfect picture presentation of myself within my mind that I have been trying to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not able to stop acting like a fool by fearing to stop being a clown, lol

till the next moment

Receive a Hug from yourself!!

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