The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 3

17 Apr

Am I able to trust a clown?

There is an strange point within my life that is manifested everyday within particular situations and I have been becoming aware that each day it becomes more and more prominent, this is the moment or the moments in which I have found myself desiring to attain something or to get to something so much,  that I could essentially come to a point where I would disregard every common sense and I would let myself being drive by this desire which in that moment becomes or “apparently” is like if it were going to replace the entire conformation and structure of myself as the basis of my existence, for one moment, that is quite dangerous…when you let that your starting point to be directed by something else, is not just the very experience of not having control that can take you to that moment of desperation but the very principle that is already like a layer of a constant preoccupation within yourself that is moving and acting behind that which you are thinking while you are operating in “automatic mode”, you already know and fear to be eventually directed to do it again. If you know what I mean…

The entire act which consists of and exist as my words, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, experiences,etc. Would be entirely dependent of what I am able to attain from others if my act is good enough or essentially not so good enough to be able to receive something from this particular desire, and just because of this point, the way that I would look at the people, or what I could think about the people is what one could essentially define as Evil, because I was not looking at the people on those moments, I was just looking at my desire, my self interest within the people and as the people, getting to a point where, for example, I looked for an specific configuration in the body of a woman from which I would basically based all of my experience or my existence, or the “existence of the woman” accordingly to my own definition.

The dependency to drugs for instance or the dependency that I came to create within a point like sex, becomes that which direct the act, or my actions, the circus is entirely operating within this point and I have found an interesting principle within this which is what essentially represents like a wall in the principal gate of the Circus which don´t allow me to get out, not because I am not able to, but because I Fear to do it, I fear to leave the Circus.

Therefore I wold assist myself with some forgiveness to find some clarity within all of this experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be driven by my desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I didn´t had control of this desires or of myself, by trying to find something that protects me from this desires by limiting and caging myself within ideas, beliefs and pattern within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need ideas, beliefs, patterns of emotions and feelings to protect myself from this desires because apparently I am not able to trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not able to control myself and that I am not able to trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in security and in limitations which I believed were going to protect me from falling onto my desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire this desires by creating such desires and sustaining those desires by participating constantly and continuously within my mind as all of this thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, about who I am or who I am able to be within this desires, not daring to look at myself in self honesty to face who I really am behind all of these desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is behind these desires, fearing to realize what I have become as this addict o the desire and what I have come to consider just to be able to attain  this desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to attain these desires and that I was dependent of this desires that apparently I am not able to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need or depend of these desires to be able to exist

Speaking about these points in particular, beginning with one of the most prominent which is sex, I could become so possessed by it that basically my entire experience of who I am become defined within the desire when I could for instance speak the words: I love you, just to attain what I really wanted behind those words and I can speak about this within many particular situations that are coming across my mind in this moment, but I would simply say that my deception could came to such an extent where I could create pictures of myself with the other person being within this perfect sex experience or where I could begin to blame others for what I was essentially experience, denying what I was doing by pointing fingers onto others, isn´t that essentially what a drug addict usually do? Denial?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed and directed by my desire of having sex to such an extent where I created pictures of myself with other persons within a mental experience of sex in this whole picture that I sustained

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create scenarios and ideas about the people with who I wanted to have sex so that I were able to have or attain this energetic experience of emotions and feelings in which I could feel good with myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that I have come to not give a fuck about other people just to be able to attain my particular experience of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the people are objects for me to attain this experience of pleasure and sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to see the people naked so that I could get excited and overwhelmed by the desire and excitement of having an orgasm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire the experience of an orgasm instead of actually realizing that I got to a point were I manipulated and abused the people to have that orgasm for me to feel good for a moment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and abuse the people to have and to attain the experience of an orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place and consider first my desire and the experience of my orgasm that the people that I was essentially abusing to attain this experiences

This became such a point within my daily experience that I would basically create an special consideration for those people from who I was able to attain something and the other ones I would simply disregard them and not even dare to look at them, I have to add that I never really came to know other people really, because I was only focused on one thing, that was essentially my own desire, my self interest, I created thoughts about the persons with who I was, creating thoughts right in front of them while I was smiling so nicely to them, when within my mind I was thinking things like: give me what I want bitch so that I am able to get the fuck out of here and enjoy it, gossiping with myself, became so delusional and so deceptive that I came to a point where I would use their personal problems to get advantage of the situation and so manipulate them to get what I wanted

I never cared about other people at all within the circus, and this was acceptable accordingly to me because no one gave a fuck about this world, so it should be acceptable for me to abuse and manipulate, anyway, who gives a fuck?, I gave for granted so much things, I take for granted other people and so much things instead of actually seeing what was in front of me, the potential of the people and of everything in this world, just because I was to focus on one thing, the pyramid, I mean the eye on the top represent the point in which you focus of attention, is your range of vision focused on one thing, which is the experience of God, the best experience that everyone wants, the kunddalini.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take special considerations for one person than another only if I was able to get from other persons what I wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to don´t allow me to came to really know the people and everyone around me and everything around me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that I have never gave a damn about other people trying to make myself believe that I was someone nice and good, by giving to everyone a beautiful smile

That is what a Clown do, he/she paint an smile in their faces, to hide themselves behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that I love the other people so that I were able to validate and justify the act of manipulation

This is a very interesting point, because I specked words like: I love you, to be able to attain what I wanted in a moment and in the other moment I was already creating a new mixture of beautiful words to be able to attain what I really wanted behind my words, when I spoke to the people, many times I was just listening my thoughts instead of being direct with other persons and tell them that what they were taking about in some moments was completely irrelevant for myself, it could have been more honest and simplistic if I just told them the truth in one moment, for me and for them, ending a lot of pain and preventing future pain, I remember that I believed myself to be very Smart and Intelligent because I had the control of the situation accordingly to my ideas, because apparently I had control of this desires, I had control of what I was doing, I HAD FUCKING FREE WILL, so when the pint came where the people would essentially leave me and I begun to experience all of this anger that was like the absolute statement of recognizing that I was manipulating and creating such ideas and perceptions about myself when my illusion felled I got to that point of blaming others and blaming myself and blaming everyone  and everything, when I didn´t realize that I was the only one asking those “ridiculous questions”, like: why they leave me?, what is what I did wrong?, how is that I came to this point?, being maybe so “smart” accordingly to my idea of manipulation or control but being to naive to realize that it wasn´t anything that required Intelligence or smartness, but simply common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was so intelligent and smart for manipulating the people not actually recognizing that I was in fact creating the point in which I fucked myself by not daring to realize the ridiculousness of my words when I was in fact able to see that it wasn´t real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing mysef to recognize that I have created all the break ups of my relationships and therefore I am responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny what I accepted and allowed within myself by blaming the people around me and gatting angry instead of actually realizing and recognizing my own self created consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was so intelligent for manipulating apparently the other person, not realizing or recognizing that I didn´t require to be smart or intelligent but simply to use common sense and stop doing all of those bullshit that I believed to be acceptable

Now I end my participation in this bullshit and I break this desires from my mind, I don´t search for ways of manipulation anymore and I live accordingly to common sense in every breath moment in self honesty.

what I need to be done is obvious and is that I have to first end my own participations in this circus to bring the obvious realization within other people, that is that is possible to live without this bullshit, because is not the rapist who is on the jail who are the responsibles as I used to believe, is because of myself, and is because of each and every single CLOWN in this world, who participate within this

If you believe that the live is beautiful you now are able to know who is the true abuser of this world.

Cheers and Big Hug

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