The Journey of a Clown to life, day 4

18 Apr

A Clown never actually smile

Today I was thinking what would be a cool theme to speak about, planning what should I speak about, I actually had a lot of thoughts, but curiously I am just able to remember those that I liked more, I know that if I were to actually speak the real nasty shit I would no longer have spectators, that is why I have to paint a smile in my face, because I know that those things are the kind of things that the people like, why do I do that? Its quite simply, because I have Fear, I paint a smile in my face because I have fear, I have never actually really smiled at all, it doesn’t matter how good the joke was, it wasn´t real, it was part of my JOB, my job in the circus, my job in the circus is to entertain the people, I have deceived you, I have lied right in front of your face with a BIG SMILE, and specially I have lied to myself hiding in fear, fear of not being able to get the attention from the people because if because if my performance weren´t of the like of the people I would be thrown me in the circus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search a good theme to speak about so that I were able to attain the attention from the people on that theme that I would select for their entertainment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed a good theme to speak about, instead of allowing myself o realize that Self Honesty is not about to speak about something so that I were able to attain from others the attention and appreciation that I wanted instead of allowing myself to actually put attention to myself and appreciate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resit to expose myself and the nasty thoughts and shit existing within myself fearing that the people would not like me anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the people would not like me anymore

I forgive myself that I have not really accepted and allowed myself to like and appreciate myself living the application of support troguh forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid speaking the nasty shit so that I were able to remain as “being liked” by the people in the idea that I feared to not be accepted as by my own experience of fear that I have let it to direct and control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the fear to direct and control me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take control and direction of myself in every moment of every breath

It was indeed what I intended, I deliberately have created within my minds the thoughts where I always win leaving you amazed of my words, abilities, actions, etc. I am dressed in colors so that I can make it easier for yourself to like me more, I am dressed with that stuff to make you believe that I am a good person, but there is only one thing that I have always wanted from you, you applause, because your applause means that I would earn more money,  I am not saying that all the Clowns do the same, well they actually do, but I mean maybe there are clowns that enjoy what they do, I am not here to give you hope, dreams or illusions, I am tired of it and therefore I am in fact here to break all of that, because you need to see it for yourself, you need to wake up and realize that everything has been an act, so that you are able to see as well, that you are in fact dressed like a clown, but you don´t notice it, because you are protecting the ideals of the circus in the same way that I did, ideals that were given to us in the first place, when we signed our contract, the contract with our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I am not here to entertain you people, I am not here to make you happy, I am not here to tell you jokes, I am not here to be your joke and specially I am not here just to speak shit that makes you feel good or in loved , if that is which you have believed, I am sorry but this is not the case, I am here to support you, to assist you into realize that you have to leave this circus as well, you have to stop being the clown of others as now I am stating I AM NOT YOUR CLOWN = I do not belong to you, and you cannot come here to tell me what is what I should speak about, because I know what I am doing  and I know what is necessary to be done, if you don´t want to follow me out of the circus and all of this bullshit, I am not asking you to remain, you may go, please be my guess seriously, a clown is not what you may think, and I cannot tolerate it anymore, if you really understand the real meaning of the word love, you will understand why is that I am doing this, why is that I cannot tolerate anymore to see how I have lied to you, deceive you, manipulated you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and manipulate the people with positive thinking and love by using illusions, pictures, ideas, presentations, words as a way of searching for my own self interest which is to have recognition from the people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have conflict with the people if I were to tell them what I have actually accepted and allowed being self honest with myself and so showing and revealing what I have truly become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for acceptance trough denying what I really am, trying to become a picture presentation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself for a picture presentation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to truthfully believe myself to be this icture presentation

I no longer require to hide myself behind the paint or he disguise, this is an step out of this circus, I expect that you follow and do what is necessary to be done as well

receive a Hug from yourself

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