The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 7

24 Apr

Why I don´t just leave the circus?

This seems to be so tedious because I seemingly don´t have more ideas to speak about, I mean, when a Clown don´t have more jokes he actually is left to his own lucky because he is not funny anymore, I see myself and I see that, I don´t have any other joke to entertain the people, I am actually no longer a “funny Clown” but I am still a Clown, a bad Clown, but still a Clown, therefore the only one thing that I have to do now is to stop to be a  Clown in every single way, therefore what it is what still makes me a Clown? well obviously I am calling myself a Clown so that is a place where I can begin, to stop defining myself as a Clown, but what is a Clown? and more important, what is not a Clown, because everything that I have ever known is to be a Clown

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to leave the funny pictures and jokes that I created within my mind

I have mentioned the jokes and the pictures within my mind, is that all what a Clown is? just funny jokes and beautiful pictures? Have I been so limited all my existence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was just beautiful pictures and funny jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as just a picture presentation of myself in which I defined myself to be who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the jokes that I used to made

I…really don´t know who I am, I mean I never asked myself before, who I would be without the pictures and the jokes in my existence that is everything that I have ever been, with my friends, with other clowns, but I defined myself to be what I presented to other clowns and now I am not able to relate myself with those clowns anymore, I mean everything that made me equal to those clowns is not here anymore, what am I going to do now?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I wasn´t able to exist without the funny pictures and jokes that I made to myself within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to leave the pictures in my mind I would lose something important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to not be able to know what I was going to do without the pictures and the jokes within my mind

But, I mean, everything that I have ever known of myself has been those jokes and pictures and that was what sustained the relationship between clowns, therefore what do I know? That I cannot be his jokes and pictures, because these picture don´t define who I am, if my mental relationships were defining who I am, then it has to be directly related with what I have believed myself to be and that is only existing within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth within the pictures and jokes that I believed to be who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose the relationship with the pictures and the jokes within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have lose who I am by not having any longer this mental rlationships as pictures and jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to not know who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be these fear of not knowing who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become preoccupied by this not knowing of who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself accordingly to the experience within myself and within my mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to discipline myself to actually leave my mind and the ideas of myself as being just a Clown and a picture presentation of myself within the mind

I experience myself a little bit empty is like, I don´t have anything else, but I mean that is exactly what I have been fearing, the believe that I am able to lose myself when actually I have never actually know who I am, what I knew of myself was the circus, the pictures and the jokes, that was what I used to enjoy, nevertheless I came to a point where I wasn´t able to enjoy any longer the same pictures or jokes, therefore the fun is not determined by a joke or a picture, could I be that fun?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I didn´t had a picture within my mind I would not be able to have fun

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have participated in the circus of the mind in the first place to create fun for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the fun or the experience within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to lose the fun I was going to lose myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I was able to lose myself when I have actually never come to know who I am and I have become this not knowing of who I am

Then what am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create within my mind an illusion of what am I as this clown that I have believed and perceived myself to be

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that I have the responsibility for the circus that I have created within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the circus of my mind was actually really real

…What?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually believe that I needed my mind or the pictures within it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that everything that I have created as the circus of beautiful pictures within my mind is actually a lie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to lose my mind I would lose something important because I would not be able to remember or to know who I am when in fact I have never actually allowed myself to leave the lie that I created in the first place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was going to become insane

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to become insane

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was able to become insane

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that what I have actually related myself to be one with and equal to is the lie which I have allowed myself to be and become and therefore that which I have related with this experience was already existing within myself as becoming insane and therefore I have actually just discover something that was already existing within myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the reality of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reality was not actually really real

Where am I then, the circus is still here but…it doesn´t look like a circus anymore, this seems to be different and weird, I mean everything and everyone just seems to be maniacs, everything and everyone is painted on all of this beautiful colors and the pictures…I don´t know if this is actually a circus, this just looks like a big, big, big, big, big, asylum. Where am I?

till the next moment

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One Response to “The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 7”

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