The Journey of a Clown, Day 8

6 May

Am I alone?

An Asylum? LOL, maybe I have been joking around with myself…but, then…why does it have so much sense? In fact it has more sense than what I have ever been able to experience in all my life, well…all my life has been a joke, and for what I am seeing, a very,very bad one.

Why? why is that I have those kind of words within my head as: feeling alone? if I am alone, should I have fear? where does that come from? Is a clown supposed to feel alone?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to be alone I should have fear of this situation by defining myself as a clown dependent entirely of its circus to be able to exist, Who am I without the circus? and where does that circus came from or where does it originated from? I mean, my parents were clowns just like me, I grow up in the circus and now I am just beginning to realize that I never really asked where does it came from?

I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to accept the circus as it is without ever asking or considering the reason for its existence as I allowed myself to just be joking around and be happy with my own act without taking into consideration the reason why I was doing this act or behaving like this

I remember the school days when I was just a little mime, we had to begun as mimes because you have to learn the symbols the way in which the circus operate, or at least that was what we were told, sometimes I tried to ask the teacher the reason why we had to be mimes? (a little bit difficult if you consider the amount of symbols and words that I had to express with my body so that he were able to understand, what it is that I was asking),  and what he would usually do is that he would raised his shoulders and with his hands he established like an invisible car in which he would go out of the classroom…Yeahh…I know, a real jester…, anyway; my parents never told me anything about the origin of this circus or why it is that we were on the circus, they would usually make a joke everytime that I tried to question the reason of this and sometimes I didn’t really knew if they were simply playing with me or if they were doing that believing that an act was taking place, so to speak I …which in fact made me laugh so much that I would completely forgot what I was asking in the first place…anyway

I always preferred to make acts on my own, most of the times I simply didn´t felt comfortable by being with other mimes, just imitating and following groups of music and the ideas of how to dress and shit like that, and I mean, everytime that I followed one of those ideas just to feel accepted by the group, I always felt within myself like a liar, dishonest, so I simply preferred to isolate myself but at the same time I felt like if I were alone and so I tried many times to push myself to be with others, but I never felt comfortable at all with other people, I just wanted the experience of loneliness to end, and in certain way I accepted to feel uncomfortable just to not feel alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be alone in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that no one noticed that I exist and that I became lost

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be lost

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea perception and belief that if I am alone I should fear to be alone because no audience would see me and if that were going to happen my purpose as a clown will not exist anymore

Very well, now I am standing alone by myself because I see and I realize that I have always been alone, therefore I will keep for this track and I will find out, what the heck is going on in the circus?

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