The Journey of a Clown, Day 8

16 May


It feels like it has been so much time, so long…, I can´t remember my own name, I cannot even remember when I born in this circus, how is that possible?

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to know who I am

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize who I am for what I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to search for who I am by not realizing that I exist here and that I remain here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and become that not knowing of who I am

I understand, I determine the point of my existence, I have defined and determine that I am not a clown, I was the one that determined and see that the circus which I believed to exist has never actually really existed and that everything in which I have believed has been my creation, as the joke within my mind

But…, that doesn´t explain why I came here in the first place and why is that I created I circus, who is the one that hired me, and why is that he hired me, I mean if this is my creation I should be the one ruling my creation…, then I am not the creator of this circus, I was just the creator of the illusion trough my participation in the circus.

Why is that I wasn´t able to recognize my creation?, Why is that I wasn´t able to see my own illusion?, Where was this circus anyway?, now that the lights has turned off, nothing actually seems to be like somewhere, everything looks like a manifested joke, forms without a form, tunnels that leads to nowhere, Where am I?

I want to draw it, maybe if I make a map…, I will be able to find where am I, does that have any sense? because that makes me wonder…, if I were in an illusion, was I living an Illusion? What was that which I felt? did I felt the Illusion or it was me the one that I was feeling? everything was just to real… even when I was doing an act on the circus in which I jumped from the top of a building in flames to a glass of water, I mean…that was real…isn´t it? there was another act in which I had to make an elephant of balloons, I finish it in 1hour, and then I climbed up onto the elephant and I went flying all around the circus, that sounds real doesn´t it?…well maybe not so real…but I mean, what about the make up? I am wearing it, that is real isn´t it?

And…what is behind the make up?, I mean the entire circus had make up, and that make up has gone trough forgiveness, trough forgiving myself for participating in the circus, for participating in the Illusion, and…who are those guys of Desteni? why is this forgiveness creating all of this? is it the forgiveness that is creating all of this? No, I am the one forgiving myself, therefore there must be something about me applying this forgiveness which is deconstructing this circus…, Who am I?

I feel lost, I need answers, or maybe questions, but I already feel lost, why would I make more questions when I am already lost in a ton of them?, or maybe I just need to ask the right questions, to get the right answers and with that, I will be able to find where I am.

What is Desteni?

till the next moment



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: