The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 10 My dad have cancer

29 Dec


Yesterday my mother told me that my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer , the doctors don´t yet know if it can be removed with a surgery or with quimio, it will depend of how much it has integrated into his body, but I what I would really like to share is what constructs I have seen within this, specially in regards to walking my relationship to my father and what I see in his cancer that is also reflecting to me, what I have accepted and allowed within myself in my relationship to myself.

I always say that I never had a real relationship with my father, but I actually have many memories within my mind in which I remember how he was taking care of me when I was a young boy, specially in the moments where I got in troubles and I always went to my dad because I knew that he would always be there to support me, and now with this, I realize that I have never seen that (I have never seen dad), I was more worried about getting out of the trouble than even considering what my father was actually having to do and what he went through to take me out of the troubles. I see another point of hypocrisy here, because I just suddenly care when I see this kind of situations.

I will not deny it, all that I have seen in my father is a point of economical support, and I mean, the first thing in which I thought when I was told about this was that I will have to begin to work to sustain the house and so on, and I mean, this don´t require fear or sadness at all, is just that if there is a point that I have avoid, is precisely the relationship with my family, and I mean, maybe I never had a real relationship with them, or I never really get to know who they are, but that doesn’t mean that I don´t take a little bit of my time to be with them and to actually take a moment to get to know who they are and within that who I am

But anyway, how many people are dying and experiencing horrible diseases in this world and I am just placing value in this because they are my family? As I have said, I can see the level of hypocrisy playing here, because I mean, I suddenly care just because I fear to lose their financial support? and I see this as something very evil from my part, because, I am trying to see something more real in the construct of the family than what it really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear and sadness to the disease of my father, I am thinking, but maybe, this reaction can mean that I actually have a relationship towards my father and that I actually care about him, then I have place value and worth within energetic emotional reactions relating this to the idea that if I feel something about someone then “I suddenly care about the other being” and I can see quite a relation of this with regards to poverty and how I have seen the poverty throughout my life, but that is for another blog.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think that if I feel something about my father then that means that I care about him, no I don´t, the only thing that I care is my own emotional energetic experience, the experience within my mind, that just because this event is apparently creating this energetic experience, then I now place attention to it and to my father because I mean “maybe is the event, maybe what I am experiencing come from my father” it is not, it is me who is creating this energetic emotional reaction and it actually is much more abusive in the realization that the only reason why I have place attention to it, is because it feels good for me to feel it, it gives me the idea that I am someone good just because I apparently care about this energetic reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth within the energetic emotional reactions that I got from this experience that I related to the disease of my father, because I see that I have related these energetic emotional reactions to the idea of care and love when it actually means that I only care about what I feel and what I experience and that is why I see my hypocrisy within all of this

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to confront me within this energetic emotional reactions because I see that I just wanted to experience this emotions and feelings to create again the idea that I am a good person, that I am a loving being and what not…

I see that I had certain sense of being someone evil and bad, for not experiencing something towards my father and therefore what I did was that I created the turmoil of emotions and feelings within me to create the idea and perception that I am someone good and to not see what I have actually created within myself, because what I have become is the hypocrisy itself in what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become this hypocrite being that do not care about life, because if I really cared about life I would not only see the disease of my father, I would consider all the people and all the beings and actually begun to search solutions to really do something, to really care and participate actively instead of just dedicating my entire life to focus only in my inner experience

I can also see within this experience that what I first did, is that I focused within the energetic reactions instead of doing research about this cancer and to see how it works to provide support to my father, that would be a real point of caring instead of just focusing on the feelings and sensations within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose my father because I will then be without his financial support and assitance

I see that what I can do is to support myself financially to no longer create that relationship to my father instead of just depending of his financial support and within this to be able to change the relationship to my father

I commit myself to work and study really committed to be able to support myself financially to no longer create relations of codependency and therefore to allow myself to create real relationships in this life, in this world, towards all life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do research to support my father in whatever I can, instead of focusing in my emotional reactions and this is for any other point, like for example, poverty and the people experiencing those huge diseases that are actually created by the same poverty, I mean, is like when I feel something towards an animal that is being abused, but in the moment I just see the person abusing the animal instead of seeing what is the real cause that is driving that being to abuse another living being

I commit myself to always make research before of just going into judgments about what is going on and making assumptions based on emotional reactions

Now, another point that I have seen in relation to the disease of my father is within what this disease reflects about me, because I am actually the reflection of my father, and what I see is my own relationship towards my physical body in regards to sex and how I have created certain disgust for myself and for my physical body, due to multiple reasons which I will share in blogs to come, my relationship to sex and maybe exploring this point within myself I will be able to support my father with his own disease to face himself in the construct that has manifested as this cancer

Till the next joke


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: