The Journey of a Clown to Life, Day 9, Visiting an old Schoolmate

29 Dec
 3905_471326649573285_681893354_nYesterday I went with one guy that I haven’t seen since the elementary, and the reason why I did that is because he has a disease that is degenerating his physical body, and I guess I can begin for that point, the reason why I went with him, is because he has a disease and I see this as something that is essentially hypocrite, because I didn’t gave a shit about this person since elementary and I suddenly care? lol, he was one of the bullies of the school and I mean, the moment in which I went with him, I was thinking, Oh yes you are going to see how a nice person I am, LOL, its scary actually, because I can see this obsession to be considered a “good person and so on” and in the moment that I saw him what I saw, was that in the beginning I considered him to be like, this strong guy and you know, now he is so depleted because maybe his physical body is trying to give him a message, and that the weakness that he is now experiencing is the consequence of hiding so much in that presentation of being strong and so on, I will not deny it, I was almost getting to the point of saying, this bastard deserves it and actually almost feeling like satisfied for seeing him as inadequate, like you know “who is your daddy now bitch?!”

I stored so much resentment within myself towards all of my schoolmates, that I didn’t allowed myself to see how fucked I actually have came to be, by victimizing myself within the same construct of you know, “Yes they have some form of envy towards me because I am a good person or whatever”, but throughout my life I have always tried to become better and better and better, and you know, that feeling of inferiority and so on, and it seems contradictory, but actually it has sense, to be like you know, I was portraying myself as inferior to others and trying to become better and at the same time having this sensation of specialness within me, following the path of the hero in the movies, first as inadequate, then as a hero, or something like that.

But that is not the point that I was about to share, what I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, is that I have been going out with him, and I have to transport him in a wheelchair, because he cannot walk and speak well, and what we then did, is that I took him to take a ride to visit his friends and so on, but he asked me to, almost escape to see one friend that lives quite far, and I had to take him in bus, which was quite a show, to take the wheelchair and then him, and you know, “it was also quite a ride for me as well”, and one of things with what I had to deal with, is that he was pissing himself over and over again and I had to change his clothes and so on, but I mean, just to feel that “I am a good person” and I was also judging him for make of himself a victim and you know feeling sorry for himself and also seeing others feel sorry for himself and so on, and I mean, it has been quite a fascinating reflection to see how I have been looking that others feel sorry for me and that playing the victim and so on, when in fact, I am the responsible of my own consequences as well, I am fucked up because of me, and what I was thinking also is that I mean, he was not supposed to smoke cigarettes, but I allowed myself to feel sorry for him and I gave him one, I lied for him in front of his mother to cover not what he done, but what I allowed myself to do, is not that the cigarette harms him or whatever, but I was supposed to look out for him, and I actually disregarded him completely to many risks by taking him to see his friend and so on.

LOL, Now I actually see what a bullshit of person I have become, is fascinating, always thinking that I was good and you know, I know what I have been doing, LOL, now I am feeling sorry for myself? LOL, Oh God…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought I am good for doing this, not confronting myself and seeing that what I was doing was to hide the fact that I have become the very lie and opposite of what I pretend to show, because I actually have been playing the “good guy” while within me, what is existing within me is the nasty thoughts, emotions and feelings and then to hide all of this I have created the experience of victimization to fulfill me with an experience of being a good personI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing the negative experiences because, this is showing me, who I am really within myself and at the same time, I am realizing that playing the polarity is to define something as positive or negative, because in that I have seen it as a separation of each other, but actually one experience is the complement of the other one, seeing that I have defined myself as a “good person”, when in fact within me I was also all of this turmoil of emotions and feelings as energies crisscrossing each other and I actually became that, crisscrossing, all of the package so to speak, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a good person, resisting to see and take what actually exists within me for what it is, the emotional turmoil not defining it and not defining myself within it, because I see and I realize that what I have created is a game of definitions that I playout as a character personality of multiple definitions, not only as just the character of a good person but, as many characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel satisfied for seeing this guy as inadequate thinking, “this bastard deserves it” and thinking “who is your daddy now bitch?!”, to make me feel like I have taken revenge of this guy, who is actually carrying on with enough consequences to make myself another burden, because I mean, I don´t feel sorry for this guy, he actually created what he is experiencing, he took a lot of drugs and went into multiple fights and I mean, I actually have also taken drugs and make fights, and to feel sorry for him is to feel sorry for myself and keep hiding what I have actually become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for this guy within this accepting the experience of victimization to exist within me and also the experience of feeling sorry for me and accepting the abuse that I have done within me and towards others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store resentment towards my schoolmates for whatever they done unto me, creating this experience of victimization and within this justifying the abuse that I have created within myself and towards other people giving a fake face and a fake who I am as a personality that is not in anyway real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie for this guy so that I didn’t get in any trouble and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict

I commit myself to walk from now on without judging myself as a good or bad person and I commit myself to face any construct that is here without excuses or justifications

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