The Journey of a Clown, Day 11 My relationship towards my physical body

30 Dec

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Here I will share my ideas and constructs towards my physical body, how I have created my relationships towards it and towards Sex.

For a long time I have committed myself to do exercise, and it has been very interesting to see while I’m doing the workout, how I am constantly giving to myself all of this reasons and justifications about why it is that I am doing exercise, what I first thought was that “I was giving correction to my starting point within the exercise”, but that would entail that I really stop all the thinking process, which is something that has not happened in 7 years of training to become “a strong/beautiful clown, of those that go to elitist parties and so on”

And I mean, I have already given to myself the answer, “to go to the parties and get the attention of the ladies and so on”, which seems to be quite weird and almost contradictory, because I’m not really the partying type, but that doesn’t mean that I actually wanted to go to parties to lose myself in drugs and alcohol, and I actually didn’t  used to go to parties, precisely because I was ashamed of myself, of my body, and so I spent so much time working the appearance of my body and personalities, just to get the attention of the ladies and so on, and it actually came to a point, in which I no longer cared about going to parties because I became obsessed with the point of just “perfecting my body and personalities” (Point of perfection required to be walk in blogs to come)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of my physical body trough relating the appearance of my physical body to the idea that this must look like the body of the guys in movies and magazines and those of which the ladies speak about and all of that to which I related this point in which I became obsessed to attain a perfect picture presentation of myself that didn’t looked like me, and within that, I have separated myself from my physical body and from myself in personalities in which I have tried to fit and to become an acceptable person to be able to go to parties and to have fun and have SEX

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgust about my physical body and about myself if I didn’t looked like the men in movies, magazines and the men of which the ladies spoke about, I can relate this to a memory that is just emerging right now, when I was with my cousins and they were speaking about how the guys should be and what guys they liked, and so on, and I always tried to be like the guys that they portrayed and spoked about, and I would always ask their opinion about my appearance and behavior to try to fit in their ideas of perfection, lol

I now begin to understand that I actually have a relationship with my family that if maybe is not real, it has actually affected the way in which I live and how I see myself and who I have become in relation to that (dad)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to fit accordingly to the ideas of beauty that my cousins portrayed as the cool guys and the “perfect guys” and I can see why is it that I also have created this idea of not being “cool and handsome and so on”, because it didn’t matter how much I tried to fit in the ideas of the characters that they portrayed, they were all always actors and models and you know, everything in the movies is just an act, how the fuck are you going to become a guy that is only a scene in a movie practiced over and over again, equal to the act of the circus, I mean, to become a real famous clown, you have to practice your acts over and over again, because its fascinating, A JOKE IS NOT FUNNY IF YOU DON´T PRACTICE IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, and from that, you never get real smiles, you never see someone really laughing, they are just following a schedule, a program, a script as a movie. the end is already prepared and acted, the fact that you don´t know it doesn’t mean that is already placed and within that, that in which I have placed value and worth is knowledge and information because it gives like a sense of control of what is going to happen in your reality, if you know how to react, how to re-act

I see that I have created myself in regards to standards of personalities and behavior, and therefore, my expression, my physical body has become only a picture as the sex has become a picture in the computer screens, a porn magazine, a couple of fake breasts and a fake ass, only pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my physical body was not enough if I didn’t fit in the picture presentation of the guys in magazines and so on, and I can relate this to several thoughts that I have of myself doing something, I mean, when I do something and there is a picture of myself popping up about me doing it in a cool way or portraying myself as this “superclown or whatever”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the sex to something that is dirty and nasty because in that moment, I am naked, I am seeing my physical body and the physical body of the other person, and within that, what has happened is that I have given value to the appearance of the clothes, make up, the pictures and personalities, but in the sex is different because one is no longer looking at a picture, you are looking the reality of who the person is, in how we behave, and within that what I have tried to do is to become a mime, mimicking the porn scenes of movies and the touching and how I would like my relationships to be, with who to be with, and how that person must be and behave to fit in my desires and personalities, LOL

Is fascinating, I haven´t make any joke, but I am laughing, I am really laughing for the first time, is amazing

I commit myself to change my relationships towards sex and towards my physical body as I explore and discover myself, removing the clothes, the make up, removing all of the clown that I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the muscles of my physical body with the appearance of the men in magazines, movies, videogames, etc., without realizing that my muscles exists without the need of working them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the appearance of my muscles to be strong, not seeing that what I have tried to portray as myself is this tough guy based on a personality that I took from movies, magazines, pictures, chats with women, and so on, and I mean, the idea of being strong and handsome is entirely based on pictures, I never in my life had the courage to face myself and to live in self honesty, because I placed more value and worth within pictures, and appearances of my physical and who I am.

till the next joke…

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