The Journey of a Clown day 12, Relationships pt 1

30 Dec

If who I am, has been a clown to entertain people all my life, I have never really made a real relationship, because all my life, what the people has seen is the make up, is the clothes, the jokes, the acts, I mean, why is it that I feel this desire to form relationships? why do I feel alone if I don´t form any relationships? why is it that I have become so obsessed about sex and masturbation? where is it that these desires come from? why do I experience these desires? We as clowns already have doctors and specialists that assure that everything comes from the brain, where we have something like a chewed gum, and then we have these rows of teeth going down from our back, I told my mom, that my teeth went there, when I lose them as a child…maybe that is why I have never really trusted them, they all seem like just a bunch of clowns…but anyway.

In this blog I am going to walk my ideas/desires/wants and needs towards relationships and see if I can discover who I really am, by removing the clown that I have become and lived as.

Most of the time, I have this experience of excitement within me when I look a woman on the street, but that is already the result of all the ideas that I have towards certain type of woman and my relationship towards them, the picture of many beautiful woman pop up in several moments throughout the day, but what are then my relationships towards beauty? and I say what are them, because, I just react towards certain pictures of women with certain type of bodies, and I mean, not even the bodies, just the clothes are enough to provoke a several amount of reactions towards the ladies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this energetic experience of excitement when looking at a woman on the street, specially when she has heels and a long skirt and a short blouse…is interesting because I have related such picture of a woman to someone that is like this chill out person and somehow I am thinking in someone that is “comprehensive?” how can a judge someone as comprehensive only because is wearing a certain kind of clothes? but I would take that point further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a relationship with someone that is comprehensive, because that is the way in which I have manipulated the people to accept and allow me to be just the way I am, creating these experience of victimization and feeling sorry for myself so that someone come to comfort me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search a relationship with someone that is comprehensive so that I can justify my abuse towards myself and towards other people beginning for the person that I use to feel comfortable with myself because I see that I haven´t allowed myself to be comfortable with myself beginning with the ideas that I must be like something or someone to be able to fit in and have relationships, is interesting that I have done so much to not be me, but at the same time I didn’t wanted to change and be responsible for myself, it seems like a joke, very contradictory but at the same time, makes so much sense, because I don´t want to be me, but at the same time I don´t want to change and be responsible for me, in what I have created as me, because what I have made of me is just this clown, is just all of this jokes and personalities and behavior and so on, which I don´t even enjoy, and I mean, I can see within the people that they also don´t like to be the way they are, because we are told as clowns, to make pranks to everyone that can make a lot of harm or say cruel jokes that make others laugh but, we are not that, we are not okay that (dad), with what we have been told to be, and to do, because we have been teach and trained to be the walking jokes of personalities, behavior, mannerism, clothes, make up, jokes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to search for a relationship outside of myself to validate me and to make sense of all that I am doing to become this clown, by attaining something, by attaining sex, because then all the act is rewarded, all the acts and the sacrifice of ourselves are payed with the reward of attaining stuff and suddenly our lives are fulfilled with all theses relationships towards everything in our lives that consume all of our physical bodies in the energy of the emotions and feelings as the eternal laugh (so to speak…)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed for getting a relationship because apparently by getting a relationship my life gets sense, all that I have done is like suddenly worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am able to comprehend myself trough writing myself and therefore I do not need a relationship to comprehend me and to be with me, to understand me and to appreciate me, because, that is essentially what I look for in sex, someone to hug because that hug for me, means to hug myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a hug by relating a hug towards the idea that I am not alone and therefore as I am not alone I am appreciated and I suddenly have value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or perceive that if I don´t have a relationship I don´t have any value and worth because someone don´t appreciate me, I mean, that is all the point of being a clown isn’t it? you have to get enough claps to be worthy of a salary, to be worth of making a life in this circus, the system of the circus don´t have any regard for life, or any other thing in this world if it doesn’t have enough value to send it to the market, yes, the market of the circus, the economy of the circus, depends of how many people enter to see the act of the circus, and suddenly everyone watching, becomes part of the circus, become clowns with our jokes, they don’t realize that we are make fun of them, because the jokes are about us, we are laughing of ourselves, and I can look at this personality quite clearly, when I make a joke, it is about the people, the society, the governments, and within that, I become the joke itself, THE JOKE IS YO.

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERA

I have become my own EGO, ME, ME, ME, because it has been always about me, and I have been blaming everyone else because I didn´t allowed myself to see ME, to worth me, to value me, to appreciate me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all my relationships, because I have seen my relationships in separation of me, instead of looking within me and seeing that I am the one holding onto those relationships, I am the one creating relationships, buying relationships in everything that I wear, that I eat, that I say. everything is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire relationships so that I am able to hide me from myself instead of facing and confronting me in everything that I have accepted and allowed within me to become who I am as me, myself this joke that is YO.

Till the next joke…

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