The Journey of a Clown Day 13, Relationships pt 2

31 Dec

Continuing with the exploration of the construct of relationships in regards to manipulation and control within relationships as the lie and deception in which I have participated within the creation and manifestation of relationships

I remember the school and how much I tried to fit in the group to form relationships, and I remember some of the things that I did to try to fit, I used to felt inadequate and what I would tried to do is to behave like everyone else, because for instance, there was a girl that I really liked a lot and as I will see that she used to be with a certain group of guys, what I would do is that I will try to get to her through the people around her, meaning that I would try to behave and to wear my clothes exactly as the group liked or accepted, and another thing that I would then do to be with them is that I would lie for other people to get them out of their troubles, and I would also lie to make me more than what I actually am, or I would to get to the point of making compromises, in which I would reject many things that I actually enjoyed to do, to be able to be part of the group. One of them for example is that didn’t enjoyed the football, but I would play with the group to be around this girl, is quite fascinating, recently when I went to visit this guy that was my schoolmate, what I saw that he was doing and become, is exactly the reflection of me, everything of me, was exactly as this guy, and that makes me wonder, “who I am then?”, Is he me? or, Am I him?

I got it! I am that which I accept and allow me to be, therefore, it is not that I am a definition of me or him, is what I accept and allow me to do, to be, to say, in the moment, what becomes WHO I AM, and therefore, what he is experiencing now, is therefore what I used to experience as myself, inadequate, less than, inferior, unworthy, incapable, almost miserable.

29122012327

Its not about to become something, because if I were to become something, I am only one definition of all what is existent within this reality and the only way to stand up as the entirety of my self is to stand equal as that which is existent in all of existence together, and that one thing IS LIFE!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to become like my schoolmates to fit in the group because I see that I wanted to have fun and to enjoy myself, but I accepted myself to sacrifice me at the expenses of being something else to be able to remain a participant within the group and therefore I forgive myself that I did not accepted and allowed me to be me and express me unconditionally without any dependency towards a relationship, but now the question is, if I already felt that I was dependent of relationships, when is that I have allowed me to express and to live me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was dependent of relationships to express me and live me, when actually what I have defined as me is the energetic experience within me, in which I have locked myself as a drug addict, to have my personal experience to consume me, and to only exist as that experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the energetic emotional experience going on within me, and within this I realize that I defined myself accordingly to other people for “the way they made me feel” and within this creating the idea and projection of guilt and blame towards them instead of taking responsibility for my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie for my schoolmates to feel accepted and to feel part of the group not seeing that I accepted and allowed to create points that were not necessary for me to experience, and   and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame and store resentment towards my schoolmates for how they made me feel when actually I didn’t allowed myself to take responsibility for myself and to trust myself instead of placing trust in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in relationships instead of allowing me to trust me and within I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in the energetic emotional experience through defining this energetic emotional experience as me, not seeing that by placing my trust in the energetic emotional experience, I am following that energetic emotional experience and within that I am constantly and continuously creating more and more energetic reactions towards everything in my world so that I can create more of the energetic emotional experience, getting to the point, of not just no longer trusting me, but I actually sacrifice me to get more of the energetic emotional experience instead of seeing me here as the physical body that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the trust in me to the energetic emotional experience, not realizing that when I place my trust in a point that can change so easily, I am constantly and continuously searching for that which is in separation of me, as relationships to create more of the energetic emotional experience so that I am able to find trust in me, instead of giving me the opportunity to trust me

Till the next joke…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: