The Journey of a Clown Day 14, My relationship towards my body through Masturbation

31 Dec

Walking the relationship towards my body, I have noticed a fascinating experience in regards to the act of masturbation, every time that I masturbate, it seems that I go into my mind and even when I try so hard to remain in presence of my self, of me as the physical body, is like my mind immediately creates a point of distraction as a diversion tactic, to keep the energetic experience within it; and what I then did, is that I allowed myself to be naked, while masturbating, to be able to expose that point in which I experience shame of my physical body, and something that was fascinating is that, while I was writing (being naked) I could notice that the words came more easy, because I mean, I was already naked and exposed so to speak, and it seems that it became more easy to write because I mean, the point in itself of the resistance being only a mind creation was “naked”, but anyway.

As I begun to masturbate, I was able to see that I actually felt like disgust of my body, shame and you know, all of this judgments towards what I was doing, and what then happened is that I saw, that even within those judgments and feelings of disgust towards my physical body, I just kept myself going and going, like almost obsessed for having the orgasm. and the I saw that and I said to myself: Shit! Is not only that the separation of my physical body exists as the unawareness of this, that is me existing in the mind creating all of this pictures, but is also that I am manipulating and using and abusing it, to have my energetic experience of ecstasy while all the time I am actually remaining in my mind and therefore, something that I can see now, is that all the times that I had sex with another being, I cannot completely say that I was with the being, I mean, I didn’t even was with myself, all the time I was thinking and judging what I was doing and how I was doing it, therefore, I didn’t had an experience with the other being I was only having an experience within my mind

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Obviously, first I went into many mind possessions of falling into the desire of watching pornography, and I will use many excuses to go into the experience instead of writing to explore the point, like for instance, I will watch pornography and I will then say that I was going to write while watching pornography and I mean, in the first situations it worked, but then I will go into the same point just to watch pornography and it will be a moment in which I will ended masturbating. (I am going to share my experience with pornography in the next blog)

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust of my physical body while seeing me being naked, not realizing that the experience of disgust towards myself can also point out that I was actually disgust of what I was doing to it, because I mean I was using and abusing me to have a mental experience. But also, the experience of disgust is mental, therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to relate the experience of disgust towards my physical body, when it is me creating such relationship towards my physical in the way in which I am seeing it, the way in which I am actually abusing it and within this it is me who has created the separation towards the physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the masturbation as something that is disgusting, when actually I can see that the way in which I have created such relationship towards my body, has been through the ideas that what I am doing is bad and that is wrong to do it, or that I should feel shame of doing it, and within this, what has happened is that I have created the sense of disgust towards my physical body, because I see it as something that is dirty and you know, is like when you see pornography ad they are doing the explicit scenes of having rough sex, that also seems like a form of raping, but “to what extent we have taken such disgust of ourselves, that as long as we are able to experience the orgasm, the moment of ecstasy, we accept such violent acts, because we see it as something that is “normal” within sex? you know, is or should be disgusting and dirty and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the masturbation is dirty, well…it becomes dirty once you have finished and you have to clean all over the place…lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the sex is dirty, when actually is a movement of two physical bodies sharing together themselves, expressing together themselves, and it has nothing to do with something nasty or dirty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pictures within my mind while masturbating to create the experience in my mind and to divert my attention from myself in an orgasmic experience instead of allowing myself to actually care for my physical body, care for myself, and place ATTENTION IN MYSELF.

I realize that sex has become only entertainment also as masturbation and therefore, the point to walk here is the development of attention within me trough writing and within this I commit myself to place attention within myself because it is within that all of this moments are being created as a way of escaping from me, myself, and what I have accepted and allowed myself to happen within this world.

Till the next joke…

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