The Journey of a Clown Day 15, Pornography

1 Jan

(If you don´t have time right now to read this, please find a moment in your day/week/month to do it, because it is extensive, but I am sure that you will find something that will support you on your own process)

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Well, the majority of those reading this, will find this experience quite familiar and will be able to relate the way in which one begins to watch Pornography, I am going to share here how is it that I begun to watch Pornography, and how I formed many of my relationships in my life due to this relationship with Pornography.

Is interesting, the first thing that I remember is how difficult it was for me to fit in the school for clowns, everyone used to told me that I was a mime (clowns is a joke, you would not understand it), but seriously, I can see a particular point that I have related extensively in all my relationships towards women, and within this how that point has enter in extensive conflict with Pornography within myself, creating literally this friction (collision) between morals (superego) and desires (ego); as I have explained previously in other blogs, I made a lot of things to try to fit in the group of my school, one of them was when I begun to speak in a nasty way about the girls, and about their appearances making all of this comparison between them, and I mean, this also begins with the simple fact of playing this games of superiority and inferiority between me and my schoolmates, because, if you see, how (well I assume) we make the games of competitions and we begin to gossip about who is better than the other and so on, and so it begun to happen with the girls, creating all of this games of competition about who is the most attractive girl in the classroom and so on.

Then it came this point about a competition of having girlfriend and you know, is like we create this as a symbol of “hey look I am dating this girl”, and I had all of this reactions of jealousy towards my schoolmates because they were dating the girls that I liked, and within this I became also frustrated because I had difficulties to form relationships towards the opposite sex, also I can see the pattern between my cousins and all of this, because I was always inadequate in one way or another and I tried so much to become something in front of the girls that I ended doing just, you know, the clown…, and what then happened is that I begun to behave exactly like the boys that were dating the girls that I liked and so on.

But within this it emerges an interesting point, that I would create this superego, in relation to wanting to be or become “Someone worthy of a relationship” so to speak, and for this I mean, that I tried to be or become this “nice guy and good person and whatever”, and one point which is the one of the principals in which I found myself entering into constant conflict, was this of…I don´t know if the right term for this could be a “gentleman” you know, in a certain way like, DOING EVERYTHING TO PLEASE THE OTHER.

Is quite amazing you know, maybe it seems that I am taking to far this point, but I would get to the main part of it, just keep reading (keep breathing).

And the first time that I watched Pornography, it was pictures about one celebrity to which I felt attracted on that time, and she was naked, so…, my first reaction was this excitement within me growing almost like a fever that was overwhelming me, and in that moment I was watching it with my schoolmates and what I then did is that I took the computer and searched the same pictures, now, in that time, I could say that yes, I did masturbated, but I mean, it was not in the way that I do it now, lol, this sounds weird, but, it makes a lot of sense, because the way in which I even touch myself then, was not the same once that I watched lots of porn videos, I mean, one no longer express oneself in masturbation as one used to do it, because what I did is that I begun to do the same things that the porn actors did, and you know.

But anyway, I took the picture to my home and I begun to watch it, sometimes I did it in various occasions in a day, not necessary masturbating myself with it, just watching it, and feeling how I was becoming excited to watch it, and you know, once I get bored with one, I will take another, and then another, and then another, (sounds familiar with what we do with our relationships isn’t it?) the sensation that I got when watching pornography, was very specific, also the experience in masturbation, because I had this experience of guilt within myself. I mean something was wrong with all of this “act”, because I mean, everything is going on within the mind, even our backchats towards our partners can be the perfect reflection of this, in our mind, why?, because its what we do with this kind of things, WE DO IT IN PRIVATE.

Why we do it in private? Well, What I can say from my experience is that, there was an specific occasion in which my mother noticed what I was watching, now I was raised upon the popular religion of the clowns, Christianity, the Pope is the better joke ever made, whatever….; and her reaction was like a mixture of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and LOVE, well, essentially what she did and what my father did is that they scolded me in such a way that from that day I begun to hide to do it, I mean, I made an effort to not watch it, but the desire was just there, and is like suddenly… I didn´t notice like the transition you know, first when I was a child I masturbated without any picture, I just enjoyed of my body and thats it, and then I couldn´t do it any longer without pictures, because there was this stimulation that was constant and continuous that manifested in presence of all the girls and you know, all the thoughts and so on.

What then begun to happen is that I begun to speak in a nasty way about the girls and you know saying like “she is hot, look at her ass” and bullshit like that, but within me I would be like, “Oh no, what am I doing? This is Sin and you know”, I  got angry with myself, really very angry, well, first I experienced such shame, that not even praying for hours was enough

I guess that one point that is important to remark is the fact that what made me became obsessed for Pornography wasn’t so much the sex in fact, but the pictures, as the must suggestive pictures that I found was those of the Hentai, (Animated Pornography) why? Because if you look at the women presented in such pictures, they are “perfect”, in the sense that if you look at the pictures, it is shaped accordingly to the desires of the mind, big boobs, cute face (curiously very similar to face of children) the bodies are shaped without any imperfection, because its not real, its not physical “ITS NOT POSSIBLE THAT A BODY LIKE THAT EVER EXISTS” (at least that you make some surgeries here and there but that is another story) and if you see at the people today that try to fit in the cultural standards, what is that they are trying to reach? that picture, that shape, that mind illusion

And this Porn addiction begun with searching the pictures of famous characters that I used to watch on Anime series; there are another points that supported this specific pattern that I will share in blogs to come, and how my relationships begun to be defined accordingly to what I was searching from the sexual and cultural perspective so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my relationships in relation to what I watched in Pornography, as what I was searching for was my energetic emotional experience of excitement by attaining the relationship with a girl that were like my stereotypes of Animation pictures, and I mean that is also something that was a problem within relationships, that I would have this judgments and assumptions of who the people is, before getting to know them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the pictures and the fantasies of porn, as it was something that from my perception didn´t had consequences and was out of my daily reality in which I felt like, just sick as I didn´t wanted to face the reality of myself, the real me as I hide in personalities and I mean, the principle one is this nice personality of the funny clown, and what not. (point still to walk)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape from the daily reality as I didn´t enjoy to be me, and therefore I allowed this point of pornography to be the substitute (the prostitute) of the real reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to watch porn so that I were able to escape from the internal experience of desire, because it seemed that it became out of control as I was stimulated all the time, and in every little thing and every single place, that I were, because you are not able to keep your eyes aways from all the propaganda, each and every single place has an spectacular of a partially naked woman, showing her breasts or her ass and you know, all the points in which one becomes addicted, and I mean, I remember my first time, the way I touched the woman, and what I expected the experience to be, was not at all, what I got, because I mean, I focused on the breasts, on the ass, on the penetration, but I didn´t saw the touch, I didn´t saw myself

It will continue in part 2

Till the next joke…

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