The Journey of a Clown Day 16, Pornography part 2

1 Jan

(Don´t do what you think is self honesty, do what is actual real self honesty)

Continuing with this point, here I am sharing my relationship towards Pornography and how it became such a definition of myself that it defined all my relationships.

OK, so I ended up the previous blog sharing how I went into a real obsession with Pornography and how it became such an influence within sex that actually it defined my relationship towards sex and  in fact the relationship with my couple. Well what I can realize of what I have walked within this point is that I became almost a picture programed with movements within sex, because that is all that I saw of myself, that is what I cared about me and myself as everything that I am and required to be to keep the relationship going, but I mean there were also many points in regards to the “behavior patterns” that actually begun to change once that I had sex, I mean one is first showing the part that is necessary to have the relationship, but it is amazing that in the first relationship you are going to fuck it up, because I mean is quite simple, like in every fucking thing that you do, you first make mistakes, but what you do is not a real comprehension of what you are doing, there is not even an exploration of the point for that matter, what I did is that I begun to program myself, giving for granted that by pleasing my partner everything was going to be okay, and I mean, what the fuck is that?!  because that only makes both to remain doing exactly the same bullshit and even taking it to an extent in which both create more fears and I mean once that the relationship was done, I saw the real potential of what it could be and I saw that if I really cared for my couple, I would spoken, rather than keep quiet, and so on.

I still have desires of watching pornography, I mean it has become almost like a drug, and what I can also see is how my preferences for certain things became determined in what I wear, what I do, what I speak; and within that is fascinating that I searched for people that had similar preferences, similar sex constructs, I mean is the reflection of each other, and I can also see why is it that I created a lot of points of competition towards my friends, why? Because they were me, in that points, and I mean the very fact that I am saying that I “were those points” means that I defined myself accordingly to the things that I did, and you know is like when you think about the future and you are worried about it but only because one speaks about it as if it was left in the past and so on. But it is still here, I mean I am still experiencing the same desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the desire to watch pornography in separation of myself, when what I can see is that I am still participating in the same energetic experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue searching for porn pictures within my mind when I masturbate and when I have this experience of loneliness in which I try to cover it up with the energetic experience of an orgasmI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind shame to not confront my own experience towards pornography and within this what I can see is that what I have written above it is still manipulated by myself, as it is the actual you know just the, review of it, but there is still a lot that I am not sharing here and that I have not yet walked; the point of loneliness is something that I am just looking in this moment. And the experience has been there for a while but I have deliberately not explore it in self honesty and I am still letting a lot of moments of opportunity to get away with every single distraction that I allowtherefore I have to commit myself to be more discipline, to be more effective, to be more sincere and more direct with myself, If I just follow the reactions, I mean, I already know the consequences, and I know that I am walking to my own destruction if I continue like this, the only opportunity that I have is to explore what is yet unexploredI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately close myself in patterns that I know that are just like looking at the consequences of the point, but that are not the real source of the entire construct 8i will inspect this point of loneliness and I will be more effective within all of this, for me)till the next joke…4.2-deep-in-thoughts-d05c326d67c6e56bec48ad66e9659723


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