The Journey of a Clown Day 17, Victimization and Specialness as Pride

1 Jan

Is Fascinating the amount of resistance within this point, because I perceive it as it makes me seen as weak, fascinating, the victimization and pride are part of the same, just a picture, and particularly, this point also brings shame, because I see that the victimization is just an excuse to not stand up, and what I did is that I created this point of pride and arrogance to divert the attention from the point of victimization, the question then is: what is it that I am fearing to see? How is it that I took myself to this point of hiding myself behind victimization as some sort of protection? what is that I am trying to hide from myself? Interesting; I am not trying to divert my attention from it, because actually I am giving a lot of energy to it, I am trying to divert other people attention from me, from the real me, because, I mean the point to create a picture is also to create the illusion of beauty towards it, I mean, the beauty is within the mind of the observer isn´t it, other wise, there would not be any purpose into create and spend so much energy into a picture, is like Pornography, all the energy goes into create the experience around a picture, and that picture becomes you, and when one tries so much to be or become something or someone to gain the attention from others, is to receive their energy, to attain relationships, sex, essentially, one becomes the porn picture that one sees, because one reacts towards the picture of everyone else and you create your relationships within what you want, what you need, what you desire, is scary.

What I experience within masturbation is a form of pleasure, but the cost is the complete sacrifice of myself, all my time, all my energy to the orgasm, not seem worth it.

Returning to this point of victimization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to speak out the point of victimization in self honesty because I see that by exposing this point, everything else just falls apart, because I then become exposed as the real clown that I have actually accepted myself to be, and I mean, what is the pride for? It is a point, that is not part of the picture that I present to others, is a picture that I gave to myself to place value and worth in things that are actually so…insignificant, so deceptive, to not take responsibility for those things that are the real shame, those things that are the real illusion, or at least where I have have accepted the illusion to be the directive principle instead of me being and allowing me to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is becoming repetitive and I mean, it is, but is just because everything is intertwine, all the relationships depends of each other to be able to sustain the entire mind consciousness system, the circus itself, is interesting because I have fear of losing the interest of others in me, in this blog for example, but within this I am accepting myself to be only a picture, and that is really not funny

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose the interest of other people in me, in my picture, in presentation, in my act as a clown, because then you don´t enough money, and you don´t have enough experiences to feel and to be part of the society, you are left alone, you become a graceless clown, a clown without joke.

What are jokes actually, if not the opinions of the people about the world and other people? everything defined in a mind perspective of what life is or should be, everyone trying to fit in and survive their own opinion of the world and how this should be, because the survival in this system, only exists, because we have accepted it, we somehow think, that some must suffer so that others can have everything that they want

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But anyway, actually I see that everything that I have done till this moment is give to myself enough strength to really go into the matter, the real point, lol, shit, well I don´t see anywhere else to go; memory by memory, thought by thought, relationship by relationship, everything requires to be walked specifically to bring the real me.

Very well then, what thoughts or memories come when I speak about victimization and specialness? I have one picture of myself here in this moment. Have I defined myself accordingly to my mind? what is my mind then? why it seems to be separated from me? I mean, I am seeing me…in my mind, and it is like I am speaking to me, that I am showing me something, but am I my mind? then who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself accordingly to the experience of victimization when seeing me going into this states of feeling sorry for myself and actually becoming acquiescent with this abuse towards the world and towards myself, strange that there is this acceptance and allowance of abuse, I mean, looking for instance to the opposite side of this point of victimization, the specialness, the pride, it is something that I am only able to create when a polarity exists.

How is it that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the abuse? through feeling sorry for myself, because I mean, by feeling sorry, I have like this sensation of you know is like a fake sense of appreciation of something, something that have worth and value over other things, because I am the one creating the experience and in consequence placing this value within that for which I feel sorry for, and that is not me, if that were so, I would be standing up and speaking in self honesty in every moment of every breath, the abuse of this world is what allows me to be the way I am, and in consequence I step back and allow the abuse, and I allow myself to feel sorry for myself instead of actually looking that the specialness that I am protecting with this victimization is just the justification of the abuse in this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Pornography for instance, I am acquiescent with myself and in consequence I create the experience of excitement and specialness, therefore to be acquiescent, means to accept and allow the abuse of the world and I see how I have done this within all my relationships, I mean, the point in which I have stand within all of the relationships, is that of pleasing others and in consequence, accepting the abuse of others by being acquiescent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the pride as strength and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape from the weakness that I have perceived within myself

The victimization is part of the character of specialness, because it makes me feel like I am the one that is suffering the injustice of the world, I have become such a self center asshole, as a Christian, that I didn´t saw the true suffering in this world

I will continue this in Part 2

Till the next joke…

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