The Journey of a Clown Day 18, Victimization and Specialness as Pride Pt2

2 Jan

Continuing with this point, I was where I saw how by allowing myself to be acquiescent, I have also created the point in which I sustain the abuse towards me and towards this world. Nevertheless, I also see that I have not allowed myself to be enough specific within this process as I have not yet understood the relationships towards myself within my mind.

OK, so, How is it that I have created the relationship of Victimization and how it is related to the experience (as the excuse to feel sorry for myself) of loneliness? But before getting to that I remember that I left some points opened that I didn’t explored in self honesty, as the experience of fear to be see as weak, and I also assume that this connection between the experience of victimization and loneliness is also related to this particular fear of being seen as weak, if I see this as a form of hiding, how is it that I have came to this point of hiding myself and why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of victimization as an excuse to hide myself within using the justification that I feel alone, then how is it that I have created this relationship of feeling alone towards myself? because is actually quite interesting that I have given  value and worth to such experience when actually I am here, and I mean, yes, I am alone, but this experience of loneliness is more like a dependency towards something or someone, because when I have this experience what I have done is that I always use it to justify to go to play videogames and get distracted from the energetic experience or also I have been creating like a certain experience of depression, but I mean, does that change anything at all? or I am using such experiences to actually place myself in those situations for the search of more energetic experiences? If that is so, it is then obvious that this is a form of addiction, addiction to depression as a negative experience and within that what I can also see is that when I create such experiences I am also going into an experience of specialness, but this specialness is dependent of the victimization, in the sense that I have given so much value and worth to the negative experience that I have seen it as something that has importance and within this I have pretended to gave importance to myself in that way, as a victim of almost a form of abuse, but, it is an abuse that I am creating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create experiences of self victimization and self sorry, to create an experience of specialness within this, creating a point of attention and energy that is accumulated within this points, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships between the memories and the experience of self victimization as self sorry to place this points as me and to experience the energy as me

I understand, I have to create relationships to be able to place the energetic experience as myself to be able to experience it, therefore, the point of loneliness as the diversion of attention is only a tactic to keep myself searching for relationships/experiences =energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone and for accepting myself to create the experience of loneliness, well actually, if I didn’t had the experience of loneliness it should be impossible for me to feel alone, I mean, is like when a baby cries, why? because it is searching for attention, and I mean if I learned when I was a baby that I would receive attention if I victimized and myself and cried, everything that I have been doing is actually remaining a baby… now I see the relationship towards my father again and how it is that I became worried for his death only because, that is like the point in which I have created this relationship towards money, my own survival, and actually anything less than really seeing in self honesty what all of this entails, would be like the ultimate act of stupidity, and that is not funny at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this experiences of depression and obsession for relationships and attention to be able to have what I wanted, instead of allowing myself to be independent and learn how to actually take care of myself and enjoy myself, because really, there is nothing else to do in this world than walking each and every single construct and give to self the opportunity to change

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Till the next joke… in the point of fear of death

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