The Journey of a Clown Day 19, Facing my fears

3 Jan

I am going to be walking my fears before getting to the greatest fear of all, I guess that it will also be more easy for me to see my own fear by confronting the fear of the possibility that my father die.

I am thinking, where should I begin? and this is already a reference that I already know where to begin, but I am diverting my attention to the energetic emotional experience instead of looking directly to my own fear, and I think that I begin to understand why it is that this point manifests, when I think about fears, I am searching and evaluating the amount of energy that I experience from many pictures, memories, situations, ideas and so on, but I am not looking directly at one of them and you know, taking it and exploring it, then what I would be doing is to look at the resistance in itself and then from there walk the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought: where do I begin? not seeing that my own fear is already manifesting itself as this doubt, as the question in itself “where do I begin?”, so another question is why is it that I am creating resistances to speak out my own fear? Is it that do I fear my own fear? and How is it possible that the fear, fears itself? Is interesting, the fear cannot fear itself, because it is already that which is fear itself, but, if the fear cannot fear itself and I have been in fact walking in my daily living, doing a lot of stuff that I don´t even see as a point of fear and I justify it as something that is normal when in fact what is behind of it is fear, and there are a lot of points that represents like you know, a point in which the relationship with fears is in danger I will then avoid it because it would show me then that I am not that fear, and that I don´t have to live as that fear.

The question of “where do I begin?” is a form of fear, that is placed as another form of energy, but every single thing within the mind comes and depends of fear to sustain itself as it exists, therefore, what I am able to see is that all and everything that I am and have become is a manifestation of fear and that is why, I see this world as NORMAL, because it is already me, this world is me and what is going on within this world, this circus, is me, I have become the circus and therefore what the circus is showing me, is that I am within the Circus, and I am able to stop the circus by allowing myself to stop everything that I have created of me as the circus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to confront my own fear by creating another forms of energetic experiences so that I don´t question what is going on within this world, this circus, and within myself.

So, if my questions are deliberately placed as a form of diversion, what I require to do is to formulate real questions, and to look deep in myself if that question is really a point of self honesty to confront myself, because as long as I define my questions within an structure of finding like, you know, just the “quick answer = justification” for everything, then nothing is really going to move, or change at all.

Then, how is it that I created the fear within myself? what is the purpose or the reason for it to exist? There is something that this fear doesn’t want me to look at. The ego knows everything about me, nevertheless I also know what is existing within me and therefore I will give to myself the answer of myself, the answer to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am able to give to myself the answer if I allow myself to confront my own fear, because the fear in itself is existing within me because I exist, If I didn’t exist this fear would not exist, and if this fear doesn’t want me to look at me, and to realize that I exist, and that in fact I am able to do something about me, and about my world, then this fear is also limited, as limited as I am, because in my existence as fear I have become it, therefore I have to walk myself out of it, and to do that, I have to walk each and every single fucking fear that I had created within me and within my world as the experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me and to see that I actually really exists and therefore that I am able to do something about me, because I do not depend of the energetic experience to move me, as I am able to move myself for myself and exist here, and I realize that, that is only able to happen if I allow myself to be independent of each and every single form of emotion, feeling, energy, reaction, etc., therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the energetic experiences within me as I created a certain sense of commodity in relation to other experiences that depend of fear in itself, like love, the love for my father, which is deception as I see that my interest has been that of money. I guess that, that (dad) is a nice point to begin with.

How is it that I have created such relationship towards my father?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I love my father, when I have not seen that I do not have to say that to myself, I do not have to convince myself if that were real, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince me that I love my father, and now I am asking within myself, but then why is it that I have created so much lies within me? why is it that I have allowed myself so much conflict and shame within me and within my world? I mean, is not about my father, is about each and every single form and expression within this world, if I really cared, I would not be looking for another fucking thing, because the world is already here and I am here with and as this world, I see the lies that I have told to my father and to myself, I see all the suffering that I have create towards my father and how it has affected him, many times I asked myself, why is it that my father has got so angry at us? I never tried to understand him, as I never tried to understand this world, for me it was very easy to create a beautiful feeling towards everything in this world, and pictures and knowledge about it, but, when do I tried to even look at this world and ask myself if it really deserves that I allow such abuse within me? The responsibility resides where I take responsibility for myself, knowing that it will benefit everyone, that has nothing to do with love, it is equality, it is oneness (do onto other as you would like to be done onto you)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself as I have allowed me to become a clown, a joke to life and I have not considered that, I have allowed me to abuse life, to abuse me, to abuse everything in this existence and I have created this circus as it exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take responsibility for myself means to take care of life, and I can see this in many moments in which I saw that what I was doing was in fact dishonest, as I went with my friends to drink alcohol and take drugs when my father asked me to not do it, and I mean, is not about the point of obedience and you know the family values and so on, it is about that I became someone that is not able to be trusted, I did not took into consideration that what I was doing was in fact an abuse to my physical body, and I mean, I knew what I was doing, but I allowed myself to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become someone that is not able to be trusted as I have not even regarded and honored my own words and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself as life, by allowing myself to use my words as manipulation tactics, as lies, to be able to have the energetic experiences of the drugs of the experiences of the mind

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of guilt around this realization to victimize myself within the thoughts, “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention” therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thoughts “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention”, when actually I knew what I was doing, and I see that what I have created and what I am experiencing are my own consequences.

I commit myself to confront each and every single fear and point of dishonesty so that I am able to stand up as a real being that takes care of life, and that actually cares about life

Till the next joke…

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