The Journey of a Clown Day 20, Competition as Hate towards Self

4 Jan

I am going to begin within this fear, which has in fact already manifested as a consequence, within the competition, but this is an internal competition, that I haven’t revealed to anyone, due to the fear of the consequences, not realizing that the consequences are already here manifested within me as the experience of competition in itself.

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What is it that motivates the continuation of deception within myself? The temptation to divert the attention towards that which is the desire in itself, the reaching of something which is not me, which is more than me, which is separated from me.

I can see a recent experience that actually can describe this that is happening within myself; I have been looking for so long to the relationships of my friends(Free ends),  I am not speaking about them as my friends, I am speaking about who they are, and of that which I envy of them. I was looking at their girlfriends, and I also see the moments in which I met them, I fell in love of them, the girlfriends of my friends, I have already walked this in a previous blog, but certainly, now I am able to look at the relationship specifically, as I have already shared, I did a lot of things to be part of the group to be able to be with the girl which I liked, but what I haven’t walked yet, is what I experience when I am in front of my friends and their girlfriends.

When I am in front of the girlfriends of my friends, I have seen myself plotting and desiring to be with their girlfriends, and this also has been a point that I have taken within myself to try to become better than my friends at the eyes of their girlfriends, in fact, I can see a pattern between how I have  seen everything as a picture and also how I have considered myself to be a picture, because is like that I am trying to become a symbol of desire in the mind of others, and for that I have made of myself a picture of such desires, an entire self manipulation, and I mean this have sense, because is like as the saying, to be the perfect illusionist, you have to not only deceive the public, you have also to deceive yourself for it to be more real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plot against my friends so that I can create this illusion for myself of an opportunity with their girlfriends, then the friend is not really a friend isn’t it? or not as I have live it, and walked it and I mean, I am again placing the responsibility in separation of myself, because I am seeing me doing this and I have tried to become better at the eyes of others, when within me I never gave a fuck about the bullshit that I was doing. Actually I never dare to look at the real bullshit that I have been doing, I just placed beautiful pictures within my mind of their girlfriends and there was my desire to be with them, to have them and you know, the whole scenario and shit like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with the girlfriends of my friends, by following this energetic experience and creating and entire state of competition to be like my friends as I perceived myself to be inferior to them by creating comparisons and judgments towards myself as the inferiority in itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to my friends, through placing value judgments within me as pictures of what I have perceived them to be, not realizing that is me who is looking and giving value to such points when maybe, they don´t even care about such things and you know, maybe they are seeing at other things within me in which I don´t place value and so on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in separation of myself as pictures and demonstrations of skills(self kill) which I have considered to be SPECIAL and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth in skills with I have perceived that makes me someone special, without ever realizing that I have created the fear in which if I were to lose such skills I would apparently become diminished or not existent (at the eyes of others) but what would remain then is the real me, the reality of myself

I commit myself to confront that in which I have placed value and worth in separation of me, myself to reveal to me who I am without any of those things in which I have placed value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be exposed in this fear as I have feared to confront the reality of myself and the consequences from which I have been hiding of, as this internal competition that I didn´t allowed myself to reveal to anyone, not even to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be self honest as I realize that I already knew that I would have to face my own consequences and what I have accepted and allowed within me as myself.

Till the next joke…

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