The Journey of a Clown Day 21, Fear of losing Relationships

5 Jan

Since several months a have already begun to see that the people around me has begun to react extensively to myself, as the way in which I have been taking my process to the point in which I have made a lot of things and decisions that has taken me to the point of conflict many times with many persons, and there was a moment in which I found myself alone, but in fact during those months in which I found myself alone, I also found that I now had more time to do my stuff, something I really enjoyed, nevertheless, as I have shared in the previous blog, the internal competition manifested as this greed, envy, jealousy, etc., is something that has remained within the relationships with the people with who I am still doing several activities, and I mean, I enjoy to be with them, because we do a lot of practical stuff, like for instance doing meetings to do social work, crafts as, you know the other day we were making a couple of pois to dance, and you know, shit like that. But I have not stopped to think and feel guilty for what I experience when being in front of them and their girlfriends or whatever, and that is also a point that was a point that I was afraid of speaking, because what I have seen is this fear of, not only loosing relationships but also going into conflict with these people, there has been a couple of times in which I have faced them and tell them what I was experiencing within myself, the reactions went better than what I actually expected, a little bit of discomfort took place within them and one of them told me that he didn’t trust me, but anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when seeing the experiences that I have created within me towards other people, not realizing that when I react towards my own experience I am actually stating that I still have value placed in such points and that I have identified and defined myself within such points, for which I have this sensation of guilt as if it were like saying to myself, I am not able to change and this is everything that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with guilt to my own inner experiences giving value and worth to such ideas by defining myself as that in which I have created judgments towards myself and towards others instead of seeing and realizing that instead of going into such reactions I can explore the point in self honesty without any fear at all, because I see and realize that it is just an illusion and it is not who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of fear of losing the relationships with the persons that I appreciate when seeing this reactions within me, like saying that I have accepted myself as those judgments and thoughts within me which I have projected towards the persons that I appreciate

I realize that the fear of losing relationships was just a scam that I created for myself as a way of diverting my attention and giving value to my inner judgments and even the relationships in itself in which I have placed that value in separation of me instead of allowing me to take responsibility for myself to no longer allow myself to participate in such judgments and thoughts and not only to these beings, but also to anything and everyone else in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create the experience of guilt as repentance to also create the experience of “that I am a good person for feeling guilty about this thoughts” in which I have not faced the thoughts but I have preserved the experience of being guilty to continue with my accepted pattern of participation within the emotions and feelings towards them and towards their girlfriends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards my friends in the secrecy of my mind instead of looking at such judgments and confront them in self honesty by asking myself; how is it that I have created such judgments within myself and how is it that I have related myself to such judgments? and within that not seeing that it is me who is giving value to such judgments and within that I am creating guilt because it is me who has defined himself in relation to such judgments as it is me seeing me reflected in those judgments projected in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by isolating myself from the people around me I am not going to solve the inner conflict within me, because I see that the way in which I have created all of me has been trough relationships and therefore, by isolating myself from the people around me, is like just creating another layer of separation that only difficult me even more to be able to stand up and forgive myself to change myself and change this world for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value and importance to the relationships in itself than to life, without realizing that life is not defining accordingly to any relationship as it is unconditional and therefore to fear to lose relationships becomes irrelevant as what they are is only the reflection of self interest as separation, in which I have created the ultimate form of abuse to life, based on manipulation and control of what is here trough mind relationships, like competition for example

How is it that I have created the relationships towards the people that I see in my world? I can see that I experience fear towards the people in my world, no body is able to be trusted and within me there are all of this forms of competition that makes of everyone in my world my enemy, but only with the exception of those in which I find myself interest able to be fulfilled. How is it that I have came to fear the people in my world? I can remember a lot of things, the school and my schoolmates, my parents always being afraid of me going out to the street and being robed in a couple of occasions, the news on television, I also have fear to the people when they look at me, it is like I see their faces and the disgust within them to look at me or you know, those specific looks of anger within the people. It is amazing, I have actually being exciting in my happy world of jokes and fun, and lights within my mind, but I have never seen what is really going on within this world, and also I don´t remember myself asking to myself what is really going on in this world. why? Because of fear

486971_531965050165061_1351288744_n

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I create competition towards the people in my world I make of everyone my enemy and therefore I place myself into a situation of constant and continuous stress as I fear everything and everyone in my world, by seeing them as a threat to “my life, my world” and I see and realize that within that I have placed value in separation of myself towards things in which I can focus my attention to divert everything of me to the energy so that I don´t have to see or worry about any other living being in my world because I see that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own fear, which I have also created to feel protected from everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world in which I live as I have also created the fear to think about what is going on, because maybe that sort of things could happen to me and as I don´t want to be on that situation I only ignore it and pretend that everything in my world is okay because I am protected in my home and in the commodity of a safe place in which I can hide from the negative thoughts, as in my home I have ways to entertain myself with television, food, exercise, porn, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard any other form of life as I have feared to get involved with what is here to actually do something because I fear to be harm as those that are actually suffering in this world, because of me not standing up and being the voice of those that actually have nothing to defend or protect themselves with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be harmed if I were to stand up and speak for those that are not hear, and I can extensively relate this point to the beginning of my process and when I was beginning to apply forgiveness, I was to shit scared that someone reacted to my words, and I had all of those thoughts and conspiracies about the people, in which I created a total psychosis about them and about being betrayed by them and shit like that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to apply self forgiveness out-loud as I have feared the reactions of the people around me as my family and my friends, then creating this energetic emotional experience of fear of losing relationships to apparently protect myself from losing them, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be robed by other human being as I have created fear of losing my personal belongings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value and worth within things that are separated from myself and that I have thought that if I were to lose such things I would not be able to “live the life” as I have accepted and allowed it to be and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that trough accepting and allowing myself to place value in stuff separated from myself I have allowed the life to be as it exists in the Capitalistic system that we have created

Till the next joke…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: