The Journey of a Clown Day 24, Apathy is an Illusion

Is fascinating that as I walk through these points, is like I already know where is it going to take me and at the same time one can get to the realization that one is not able to trust anything of what one has ever known. From the previous post, now I am able to say that the creation of apathy in itself is another scam, just an illusion, which is actually just the manifestation of “a consequence” but the origin in itself of apathy seems to be in a deeper allocation because till this moment, what I have seen is like just the tip of the iceberg so to speak, and its like there are such an amount of layers to be walked, because everything looks like this turmoil of emotions and feeling crisscrossing each other that are just from above everything, I mean, that is the “light” in the mind, but behind that there is like just this entire construct of ideas, memories and behind that there are points of conflict within myself and behind that there is like this entire construct that surrounds the entire world, as you know “a culture of apathy” so to speak, and behind that one sees what is really going on within this world. There is a Process ahead.

So what is apathy in itself? For what I have seen till this moment ( because it could suddenly become something else), this is just the first layer of a field which has kept me away from exploring myself, as a zone of comfort from a certain perspective and obviously what catches my attention, is what is it that is behind this? and what I saw from walking the previous points, was that I found my point of responsibility for my own creation as myself as I have been living my entire live. Therefore what I will be doing now is to walk and face also the positive points that are, you know “love and light” so to speak, because I have been giving so much attention to the negative experiences that I could say that I was only looking for a “quick fix” for what I have been experiencing, but quite interesting I have to spend so much time writing the same points just to keep myself in a certain position of  you know “Cool, now I am fine because I realized my own bullshit” lol, it is not, and then what I can realize from this is that it is going to just repeat itself over and over again, until I get to the core of it, which will require to face and confront the search for the “positive experience” and I mean the point of “FEAR OF DEATH” will have to came from more points, because I experience me like just jumping from one experience to the other and therefore it is required to have a sequence which will be “my journey to life”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that the apathy is real without even question if this sense of reality that I have gave to the experience of apathy is actually something that is come from the physical or is it just something that I have been holding and sustaining from my mind, now I remember a documentary that I watched from a doctor which is called Gabor Mate, one can really say that is not just another clown. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpHiFqXCYKc) and he was explaining that the zone of the brain that experience physical  pain, is the same zone in which one experience emotional pain, therefore I can see a connection between the apathy and this “sense of reality”, like when one search for all of this experiences to feel good with one self and have this experience of “being alive”. And I mean, now I am thinking, “could this be a reflection of what happens with the fear of death?” Look, I was creating a negative experience towards something as apathy and “sadness and victimization and all of this emotional turmoil” to be able to experience the positive as it was my deceptive nature of being a “good and funny clown and what not” therefore, with the death could be very similar in relation to what I have sustained as my personal idea/creation of what the life is, from the perspective of what I have regarded it to be, I mean one looks in the T.V. what is going on in this world and one just thinks “Oh but is something normal (as normal as my red nose)” it will fix itself, it always do…quite scary, so, I had to create the fear of death in itself to sustain a “feeling of being alive” and within this the life is accepted in its current abusive state of suffering and deliberate disregard of other living beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the experience of apathy to a definition of reality, and I mean, its a definition because everything of what I have as perception of the reality is knowledge and information, but nothing of this knowledge and information is physical, it has just been a “pretension to explain this EXPERIENCE within myself” now the question is: have I been in any way looking at the real reality with my eyes? or have I been looking at it through my mind? Life has become but a definition of knowledge and Information which has been only seen through the mind but never actually really lived as a real reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that life has become a definition of knowledge and information and within this what I can see is that I have not accepted and allowed me to really live, in any way whatsoever, because I have only existed as a Mind, a Consciousness that functions in an illusionary reality of knowledge and information. I have a question: Can death in any way exist if life does not exist? Have I been alive in any way whatsoever? Am I able to I die when I haven´t existed as life? What is death then? What is actually dying when one dies? Where does one goes when one die? I remember that my family spoked about haven, as I was grew in a Christian family, everytime that I prayed, I remember that I said in my prays, “Our Father, who art in the wave, hallowed be marijuana”…shit, I am praying to the other one…, ahem…Our father, who art in heaven…

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I by giving value and worth to knowledge and information instead of giving value and worth to life, I have been professing and praying to a God based in knowledge and information that allows me to create a blissful experience of positivity around life, instead of actually really living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life exist without even considering that within this I have gave “life to thoughts as a system in which I have grown and developed myself within and as it” instead of realizing that to be able to really live, I must walk and end each and every single construct that I had created in separation of life, because I am not able to define life in any way whatsoever for obvious reasons, I would be returning to the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have lived in this world, without seeing that when I disregard what is going on in this world as the abuse to life, I am no longer part of it, as I am not seeing and considering life in itself and therefore I am not life and I will not be able to be it, as long as there is abuse in this world.

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 23, Fear of failure (Fear of school)

This morning I was about to write my experience towards the school, and how I have related it to the point of fear of failure, nevertheless, what I begun to write was a negative experience that I had in relation to the school system and I realized that what I was writing was just a justification of my experience of what actually really happened because, I mean, I have a tendency to victimize myself with negative experiences but once that one face  the moment of realization in self honesty, I mean, the creation in itself of placing the negative experience as the starting point of research only limits oneself from actually walking the point in itself and also limits the point in itself of self honesty because is like one can hide behind an experience to feel better with oneself in regards to the point as a form of commodity from which is more difficult to stand.

So the first question in regards to this point, that emerge is: How is it that I have created this resistance towards the school in itself? I mean, I can utilize all the negative events to create as much as I want a negative experience towards the school and a positive experience to justify and excuse my resistance towards the school, nevertheless, utilizing or defining myself accordingly to a negative or positive experience does not allow me to really be self honest with myself and I mean, as I have shared before, my entire focus within the school was towards relationships, so what actually really happened was that I will deliberately fail in every task in the school to be able to be part of the group of those that “rebel towards the system”. I mean the consequence is obvious, as I didn’t allowed myself to do anything, obviously I didn’t really learn anything practical and the consequence then is obvious, because what I am actually reflecting to myself within this resistance is that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop effective skills to be able to face the school in any and all its forms, therefore the point of fear of failure within this specific point is showing me that the fear is actually just a reflection of where is that my limitations exist, and I guess that it can be easily took to each and every single point that one walks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear towards the school by relating the school with something that is difficult, but as all the people that I have met in my life and that actually were effective in the school since the first steps, so to speak…, obviously one experiences it as difficult when one doesn’t do the labor necessary to be able to understand the material and also pay attention during the class, and I mean I can remember when I was in the classroom and how I just used to go into my mind and to let the day go by while I was dreaming about other things in which I placed value and worth and created the sense of victimization around them to be able to justify and excuse the bad grades, I mean it got to the point, in which I pretended to be sick to be able to go to my home and to remain at home  and you know, all of the tricks and bullshit that one plays during the moments of absolute laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the schooling system for everything like my “bad grades” when actually it was also me who didn’t do whatever it takes to be able to support myself, something that was really fascinating as I went through the high school, is that I begun to realize how fascinated I was for all what was presented in all the subjects and how easy it was to really understand the materials if one allows oneself to pay attention, and within that I went like “fuck, I wish I had known before”, because then I could have been able to understand or do a lot of more things and maybe I would be doing or studying other things instead of just drawing because I perceived myself to be only good at it as I saw everything else as a limitation, an absurd limitation that I didn’t allowed myself to face, and  who knows maybe I could be already ending my college and so on. I mean I can see all of this people going like, “is fault of the teacher and he didn’t told us how to solve this problem” and I mean, What is what the schools do? Fired teachers that are actually good teachers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the teachers and to justify my bad grades by saying that “I was having troubles with the school due to the teachers or due to the subject” instead of confronting the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to support myself , similar points around all my life, is a reflection of many decisions that I made in my life due to this point of not confronting the reality and not allowing myself to be self honest, I mean, one single habit that one accepts as giving up in a certain situation of ones life, will be repeated over and over again till you confront it and actually recognize what is necessary to be done, its something that doesn’t even requires to be realized, is already too obvious, is already here as the consequence of one not doing something to support oneself, and I mean there are really bad programs in the school for the education, but that is not a justification, I mean,, when I was a child I took a lot of encyclopedias and documentaries and what I try to point out is the fact that one is able to give to oneself as much support as one requires it, but it is more easy to justify and excuse and blame the system which is only why the system can continue as it exists, because one does not give a challenge, and I mean I quit my previous school by saying that “it didn’t represented a challenge”, but I mean, I had to be that challenge to my school, and if I wanted to rebel to the system and to “harm it” I have achieved it, I see how is it that I have participated in the creation of the actual manifestation of the current educational system and I realize that the only form to fix it, is not by telling the governments, “HEY DO SOMETHING”, the solution will have to come from the students, the education from the students by the students and for the students.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up in the educational system before even allowing myself to give it a try and to support myself to actually do something about MY IGNORANCE, because I see and realize that when and as I have blame something or someone, the only thing that I have done is that I placed my ignorance as responsibility of someone else, and that is something really stupid.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up before even begin to work and study and to support myself, as I allowed myself to take the easy way of listening to all of the people who were just blaming the educational system with a lot of conspiracy theories which are only the reflection of what we have allowed to exist in our current system, but I mean “what are our teacher and professors showing us if we have the system that we have?” they went through the same fucking bullshit and they are actually showing us what we have become as society, as humanity.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed me to give my attention away to relationships within the search for a “nice experience” instead of realizing that when I allowed myself to divert my attention away from that which requires my attention in the moment I am also giving away the opportunity in which I can stand and do something about me and you know develop more effective skills and find more effective ways to practically live in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this sense of regret within me about the past and what I did and what I not did for myself instead of seeing that to create another experience about a point of realization is just another form of  limiting me to stand up and do something about what is here and what I have realized

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 22, Fear of Making Mistakes

I was looking at a memory that I have related for quite some time to making a mistake or you know, being irresponsible, this happened quite a long time ago, I think that I had around 8 or 9 years old, and this was an occasion in which I went with my family to a kind of farm, but instead of many animals it was only a trout farm, in which there was a restaurant in the top of a hill and in front of the restaurant, there was a lot of sites to play for children, and I quite enjoyed to play in the bridge of wood that those kind of sites had, but in that occasion I asked to my father to buy me a slingshot that had a form of a rifle, and I went up to the structure and while I was climbing, I had the slingshot charged with a stone, and I thought that it was safe, because I had the lock placed and as I was climbing I didn’t noticed that the the slingshot went off and the stone hit the eye of a girl, and I left her eye sunk, and I just realized this once that I was already in the top of the structure and then many children gathered around me and begun to push me and to kind of tried to throw me out of the structure, and I mean it wasn’t very high, but I was afraid, and well I begun to cry ad so on. And I just felt like I didn´t deserve to live or something like that, I mean the feeling was specific, in the sense that I had like the sensation of just remaining in the floor and not get up. Like a form of self defeating and since then I created like an addiction to such experience of self defeating, Because I mean its like more easy to stay out of any trouble and just going into this masochist experience of blame and judgment and you know, since then I created a kind of hate towards myself that I have just been rising and rising and rising, with every fucking mistake that I make, I guess that it took a process to get to that point, and I mean, this was just one of many experiences in which I couldn’t stop feeling like bullshit, or shit like that, maybe that is the reason why I prefer to stay at home so that I don´t get in any trouble or something that takes me out, well is not that I am going now to run out in the streets doing a lot of bullshit because actually every form of entertaining seems quite boring for me, and I mean maybe I am creating a judgment towards it, but everything looks like very silly games of egos, just going to parties and doing absolutely nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about the damage that I did to this girl in her eye entering into the experience of self victimization to which I deliberately made myself addicted so that I could justify what I did to this girl and all the abuse that I have committed since then

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of self defeat to not take responsibility for what I did, because I didn’t said anything to my parents, I just told them that I wanted to go home, before I got in more troubles having to be scolded by the parents of the little girl, and I mean, I knew the consequences, I knew that there was a risk for playing with a slingshot, but I didn’t cared I was just following my desire of playing and breaking things although my parents told me that I could hurt someone but I didn’t heard them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take into consideration the consequences of what I could create by playing with that weapon, because I mean, the purpose of that shit, is to break things and to throw stones, what the fuck do I expected to happen? but actually it seems that I didn’t got the message because its like this kind of experiences repeated themselves over and over again, with the same kind of situations and, it got a point in which I just decided to not do it anymore, because it was stupid beyond believe, and I mean, I enjoyed a lot to play with knives and tools (the consequence of watching a lot of action movies and the desire to be as STRONG as the protagonists, this is a point for another blog), that was actually something that motivated me to go into the militarized school, and I actually can see that the consequences within the school was something that I actually created, and is kind of funny in a way because all of this time I have been looking at those times as “bad times” (there was a lot of things that I enjoyed but those are other points), when actually I created my own fuck up, I actually was judging myself, because I was there and the experience is here within me

Is fascinating, the result of all of this, I mean now I understand what is it that I have get to isolate so much of the people, it was all because of me, I cannot blame the psychologists, or the people around me, everything was the result of my own bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into judgments and blame towards myself instead of seeing that such experiences of judgments and blame has actually driven me to only create more points of self victimization and self hate which has reduced me to not be able to develop effective relationships, is quite funny I sit in my home and wait that something happens, but nothing really ever happens because I am here and thats it, there is no movement, no actual realization of anything. I guess this is a point in which I actually can commit myself to take myself to do more thing out of my home, I am not saying to go to social events or bullshit like that, but to actually get to know this world, travel to do more things and to learn more things and you know, it is also a point that I have resisted for so long because I don´t enjoyed to travel with my family and long distances, but I actually enjoy to travel alone, and to do social work, like the occasion in which I went to the turtle hatchery and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make mistakes as I have created fear of the consequences of such mistakes which I have related to me as being a failure and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of mistakes and within this not realizing that I within this I have created fear of moving myself and of taking directive action and within this I have created fear to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving myself not realizing that any and every action has consequences but the law of prevention can actually support oneself to take responsibility for ones own actions and what one can actually determine from ones own actions to be make the best result for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to take responsibility for myself and my actions by hiding in my home and secluding myself from everyone that comes as an opportunity to learn something and to do something out of my ordinary living to test myself in new places to actually learn more and new stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live in this world, because I have created fear of myself, as I haven´t allowed myself to trust myself and to move myself within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  to fear myself as I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to actually really move and take responsibility for myself in each and every action as self honesty.

I commit myself to explore deeply in myself by taking me to do more stuff and to actually really learn to live practically in this world by myself

till the next joke

The Journey of a Clown Day 21, Fear of losing Relationships

Since several months a have already begun to see that the people around me has begun to react extensively to myself, as the way in which I have been taking my process to the point in which I have made a lot of things and decisions that has taken me to the point of conflict many times with many persons, and there was a moment in which I found myself alone, but in fact during those months in which I found myself alone, I also found that I now had more time to do my stuff, something I really enjoyed, nevertheless, as I have shared in the previous blog, the internal competition manifested as this greed, envy, jealousy, etc., is something that has remained within the relationships with the people with who I am still doing several activities, and I mean, I enjoy to be with them, because we do a lot of practical stuff, like for instance doing meetings to do social work, crafts as, you know the other day we were making a couple of pois to dance, and you know, shit like that. But I have not stopped to think and feel guilty for what I experience when being in front of them and their girlfriends or whatever, and that is also a point that was a point that I was afraid of speaking, because what I have seen is this fear of, not only loosing relationships but also going into conflict with these people, there has been a couple of times in which I have faced them and tell them what I was experiencing within myself, the reactions went better than what I actually expected, a little bit of discomfort took place within them and one of them told me that he didn’t trust me, but anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when seeing the experiences that I have created within me towards other people, not realizing that when I react towards my own experience I am actually stating that I still have value placed in such points and that I have identified and defined myself within such points, for which I have this sensation of guilt as if it were like saying to myself, I am not able to change and this is everything that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with guilt to my own inner experiences giving value and worth to such ideas by defining myself as that in which I have created judgments towards myself and towards others instead of seeing and realizing that instead of going into such reactions I can explore the point in self honesty without any fear at all, because I see and realize that it is just an illusion and it is not who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of fear of losing the relationships with the persons that I appreciate when seeing this reactions within me, like saying that I have accepted myself as those judgments and thoughts within me which I have projected towards the persons that I appreciate

I realize that the fear of losing relationships was just a scam that I created for myself as a way of diverting my attention and giving value to my inner judgments and even the relationships in itself in which I have placed that value in separation of me instead of allowing me to take responsibility for myself to no longer allow myself to participate in such judgments and thoughts and not only to these beings, but also to anything and everyone else in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create the experience of guilt as repentance to also create the experience of “that I am a good person for feeling guilty about this thoughts” in which I have not faced the thoughts but I have preserved the experience of being guilty to continue with my accepted pattern of participation within the emotions and feelings towards them and towards their girlfriends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards my friends in the secrecy of my mind instead of looking at such judgments and confront them in self honesty by asking myself; how is it that I have created such judgments within myself and how is it that I have related myself to such judgments? and within that not seeing that it is me who is giving value to such judgments and within that I am creating guilt because it is me who has defined himself in relation to such judgments as it is me seeing me reflected in those judgments projected in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by isolating myself from the people around me I am not going to solve the inner conflict within me, because I see that the way in which I have created all of me has been trough relationships and therefore, by isolating myself from the people around me, is like just creating another layer of separation that only difficult me even more to be able to stand up and forgive myself to change myself and change this world for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value and importance to the relationships in itself than to life, without realizing that life is not defining accordingly to any relationship as it is unconditional and therefore to fear to lose relationships becomes irrelevant as what they are is only the reflection of self interest as separation, in which I have created the ultimate form of abuse to life, based on manipulation and control of what is here trough mind relationships, like competition for example

How is it that I have created the relationships towards the people that I see in my world? I can see that I experience fear towards the people in my world, no body is able to be trusted and within me there are all of this forms of competition that makes of everyone in my world my enemy, but only with the exception of those in which I find myself interest able to be fulfilled. How is it that I have came to fear the people in my world? I can remember a lot of things, the school and my schoolmates, my parents always being afraid of me going out to the street and being robed in a couple of occasions, the news on television, I also have fear to the people when they look at me, it is like I see their faces and the disgust within them to look at me or you know, those specific looks of anger within the people. It is amazing, I have actually being exciting in my happy world of jokes and fun, and lights within my mind, but I have never seen what is really going on within this world, and also I don´t remember myself asking to myself what is really going on in this world. why? Because of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I create competition towards the people in my world I make of everyone my enemy and therefore I place myself into a situation of constant and continuous stress as I fear everything and everyone in my world, by seeing them as a threat to “my life, my world” and I see and realize that within that I have placed value in separation of myself towards things in which I can focus my attention to divert everything of me to the energy so that I don´t have to see or worry about any other living being in my world because I see that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own fear, which I have also created to feel protected from everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world in which I live as I have also created the fear to think about what is going on, because maybe that sort of things could happen to me and as I don´t want to be on that situation I only ignore it and pretend that everything in my world is okay because I am protected in my home and in the commodity of a safe place in which I can hide from the negative thoughts, as in my home I have ways to entertain myself with television, food, exercise, porn, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard any other form of life as I have feared to get involved with what is here to actually do something because I fear to be harm as those that are actually suffering in this world, because of me not standing up and being the voice of those that actually have nothing to defend or protect themselves with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be harmed if I were to stand up and speak for those that are not hear, and I can extensively relate this point to the beginning of my process and when I was beginning to apply forgiveness, I was to shit scared that someone reacted to my words, and I had all of those thoughts and conspiracies about the people, in which I created a total psychosis about them and about being betrayed by them and shit like that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to apply self forgiveness out-loud as I have feared the reactions of the people around me as my family and my friends, then creating this energetic emotional experience of fear of losing relationships to apparently protect myself from losing them, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be robed by other human being as I have created fear of losing my personal belongings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value and worth within things that are separated from myself and that I have thought that if I were to lose such things I would not be able to “live the life” as I have accepted and allowed it to be and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that trough accepting and allowing myself to place value in stuff separated from myself I have allowed the life to be as it exists in the Capitalistic system that we have created

Till the next joke…