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The Journey of a Clown Day 25, A sense of Being “Alive”

From the previous post: “I had to create the fear of death in itself to sustain a “feeling of being alive”, as if the impossibility in itself of defining life, I just could “formulate” a distinction between being or not being, ¿but being what? ¿what am I? Am I only a clown?? Is it God making a joke out of me? It feels so…

The state in which this life is accepted, its current state of suffering, abuse and deliberate disregard of other living beings, while at the same we live trying to find something that makes us smile…

What I have walked in regards to this energetic feeling that I have defined as “being alive”, to see the entire personality construct in regards to this point of “but I feel alive”, and also this point in the thought of: “NOW I KNOW WHAT LIFE REALLY IS” (nice mindfuck), is a definition based on knowledge and intellect, therefore as long as I keep myself in a “search for life” I would remain creating definitions or concepts about it, when that is only perpetuating the separation from what is here. Therefore, I will walk here my definitions of life and I will face them in self honesty with self forgiveness.

When I think in life, I have these pictures of the nature and the animals and you know, “every life form” that I have stored in my mind, pictures really, and I also can see that what I am thinking about “life” is not at all what is going on in this world and within that I can see and understand why is it that my commitment hasn’t been effective, because within me, “I am not seeing the problem and what is really going on”, I was having a chat with my little sister the other day and she told me that, the global warming was making that a lot of abysmal species in the ocean go up, and you know, they require a certain amount of pressure to be able to live and at the same time they are responsibles of cleaning the ocean floor of all the corpses of other species, and I told her that, maybe only when the humanity find themselves really alone, will realize that we are responsibles for what we have done, I can place this into perspective to what I am walking here, because in my thoughts I am not seeing that, I am not considering the fact that daily an amount of species that has not even been discovered yet, are already disappearing and I mean, the opportunity to take all the pieces of the puzzle to understand this world has already been lost forever, because each and every single animal do something in this world that maintains the entire ecosystem, and this change of the entire globe is due to the humans, because when a butterfly or the bees for example, do not make the pollination, the plants die and with it hundreds of species including the amount of oxygen in the air, its something so obvious and I mean, just for accepting and allowing one picture in the mind, the damage is irreversible and this can only show us how committed and discipline one has to be in this process to not accept or allow one single picture or thought to direct the process.

Now I have this thought of: “Oh but is something that all of us have been doing” and within this it comes like a certain “relief” from the individual responsibility by just saying that it has been “all of us”, I mean, yes, it has been something that we have done together, but the responsibility remains individual, there is no excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought “but it has been all the humanity together”, yes but I cannot take responsibility for anyone else but me, is like saying “Hey please live this life for me please”, that is not acceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body by placing pictures in my mind in which I have kept focus my attention instead of standing as it as what it really means to take responsibility for what is here, I can also add a lot of pictures of wants needs and desires, such as sex, relationships, drugs, entertainment, etc., within this I can see that I have related this energetic emotional experiences to the same picture because the only way in which a picture can exist in the mind is through energy, the point of creating pictures is to get energy and to stimulate the same process of thinking as positive thinking to continue in the search for life and for more experiences to be “alive”, to feel “alive”, and I mean, this can also be placed into perspective as how even the scientists define life as energy, when the energy is really limited from the perspective that the processes that are require to create energy demands substance and “ingredients” so that it is able to exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this world by placing nice pictures of it within my mind to create a positive experience towards it, nevertheless I am not seeing the real world, I am only creating another imaginary world, for myself in which I have placed value and focus as this is created from knowledge and intellect, that is also the entire point of the educational system and the “intellect in itself” the amount of knowledge and intellect that one demonstrates to have instead of actually really learning practical physical skills to live in this world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have separated myself from my own mind by creating all of this pictures following a systematic process of reactions based on emotions and feelings, diverting me from myself instead of giving direction to myself as the mind as what I accept and allow myself to participate in as the process of thinking

OK, from this I realize how the relationship to my mind exist, but the question of, how is it that I am still sustaining such relationship? remains, I mean I can see how from watching documentaries and reading the encyclopedias of the wild life and so on, were like this point of placing those pictures in my mind, and the fascination in itself for the animals and the plants and their processes of feeding and growing and so on, became to grow within me as a system, a system based on knowledge and intellect about all of this animals, plants, bacterias, the universe, etc., the scales and formulas, everything comes from the interpretation of the mind to “try to make sense of what we experience towards this reality”, but I mean, where is it that we have really developed a real communication towards it? As I understand the closer communication that we understand is the interaction between chemicals and it is still limited to mere measurement systems and certain interpretation of their movements, and with the dolphins for instance, in which we have try to measure their intelligence trying to make them understand our forms of communication, yet, when is it that we have tried to learn their language?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pictures in my mind of animals and plants and bacterias and the universe as a definition of this world, instead of actually allowing myself to explore the current state of this reality which is not at all what is placed in pictures or books.

Watch this Documentary (THE COVE) which will expand the awareness of what is the current state of this reality:

I will continue in the Part2, till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, A, abamperes, abandoned, abandoner, abasement, abashment, abatement, abattises, abattoirs, able, aboard, about, above, absence, accept, accident, accomplish, according, account, across, act, action, add, addition, address, adopt, affair, afraid, after, afternoon, again, against, age, ago, agreement, air, alike, all, allege, allow, almost, alone, along, already, also, appreciation, aviation, beautiful things, Bernard Poolman, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, community, conformation, control, convenient, convention, convict, copy, cordially, cost, could, country, course, court, cover, crowd, cut, dark, dash, date, dating, daughter, day, dead, deal, dear, death, debate, December, decide, decision, declare, deep, degree, delay, department, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, destroy, develop, diamond, did, disguise, eagerness, ealdorman, ealdormen, earliness, earlships, earlywood, earmarked, earnestly, earphones, earpieces, education, educational system, emotions, equalmoney, fabricant, fabricate, fabulists, facecloth, facedowns, facelifts, facemasks, faceplate, facetious, facetting, fear of failure, fear of lose, feelings, fire, fired, forgiveness, freedom, friends, fulfillment, fun, gaming, give up, great, hard, has, hat, have, he, head, hear, heard, heart, height, held, help, her, here, herself, high, him, himself, his, history, hold, home, honesty, honor, hope, horse, hot, hour, house, how, however, human, hurt, husband, I, ice, if, imbecile, incapibility, joke, laagering, labdanums, labelable, labellers, labelling, labialize, laborious, laborites, labourers, labouring, lie, life, lose, lost, love, mediocrity, mental-health, motivational speech, negative experience, negative experiences, nose, oakmosses, oarfishes, oarswoman, oarswomen, oasthouse, obbligati, obbligato, obcordate, obeahisms, obedience, official, often, old, omit, on, once, one, only, open, opinion, or, order, organization, organize, other, ought, our, out, outside, over, own, page, paid, paint, pair, paper, part, particular, party, pass, past, pay, people, perfect, perhaps, period, personal, point of conflict, politics, power, qindarkas, quaaludes, quackisms, quadrants, quadrated, quadrates, quadratic, quadrigae, quadrille, quadrivia, quit, realization, red, relationships, religion, sabadilla, sabbatics, sablefish, sabotaged, sabotages, saboteurs, saccharin, sacculate, sackcloth, sacrament, school, schoolmate, smile, society, something, sometimes, son, song, soon, sorry, south, speak, special, specialness, spell, spend, spent, spirituality, spring, stamp, stand, start, state, statement, station, stay, steamer, still, stole, stone, stood, stop, stopped, story, street, struck, study, studying, success, such, sudden, suffer, suggest, Sunette a.k.a Winged, superior, tags, teachers, theology, transportation, truth, vacancies, vacations, vaccinate, vaccinees, vaccinial, vaccinias, vacillate, vacuities, vacuolate, vacuously, videogames, win, work, writing

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The Journey of a Clown Day 24, Apathy is an Illusion

9 Jan

Is fascinating that as I walk through these points, is like I already know where is it going to take me and at the same time one can get to the realization that one is not able to trust anything of what one has ever known. From the previous post, now I am able to say that the creation of apathy in itself is another scam, just an illusion, which is actually just the manifestation of “a consequence” but the origin in itself of apathy seems to be in a deeper allocation because till this moment, what I have seen is like just the tip of the iceberg so to speak, and its like there are such an amount of layers to be walked, because everything looks like this turmoil of emotions and feeling crisscrossing each other that are just from above everything, I mean, that is the “light” in the mind, but behind that there is like just this entire construct of ideas, memories and behind that there are points of conflict within myself and behind that there is like this entire construct that surrounds the entire world, as you know “a culture of apathy” so to speak, and behind that one sees what is really going on within this world. There is a Process ahead.

So what is apathy in itself? For what I have seen till this moment ( because it could suddenly become something else), this is just the first layer of a field which has kept me away from exploring myself, as a zone of comfort from a certain perspective and obviously what catches my attention, is what is it that is behind this? and what I saw from walking the previous points, was that I found my point of responsibility for my own creation as myself as I have been living my entire live. Therefore what I will be doing now is to walk and face also the positive points that are, you know “love and light” so to speak, because I have been giving so much attention to the negative experiences that I could say that I was only looking for a “quick fix” for what I have been experiencing, but quite interesting I have to spend so much time writing the same points just to keep myself in a certain position of you know “Cool, now I am fine because I realized my own bullshit” lol, it is not, and then what I can realize from this is that it is going to just repeat itself over and over again, until I get to the core of it, which will require to face and confront the search for the “positive experience” and I mean the point of “FEAR OF DEATH” will have to came from more points, because I experience me like just jumping from one experience to the other and therefore it is required to have a sequence which will be “my journey to life”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that the apathy is real without even question if this sense of reality that I have gave to the experience of apathy is actually something that is come from the physical or is it just something that I have been holding and sustaining from my mind, now I remember a documentary that I watched from a doctor which is called Gabor Mate, one can really say that is not just another clown. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpHiFqXCYKc) and he was explaining that the zone of the brain that experience physical pain, is the same zone in which one experience emotional pain, therefore I can see a connection between the apathy and this “sense of reality”, like when one search for all of this experiences to feel good with one self and have this experience of “being alive”. And I mean, now I am thinking, “could this be a reflection of what happens with the fear of death?” Look, I was creating a negative experience towards something as apathy and “sadness and victimization and all of this emotional turmoil” to be able to experience the positive as it was my deceptive nature of being a “good and funny clown and what not” therefore, with the death could be very similar in relation to what I have sustained as my personal idea/creation of what the life is, from the perspective of what I have regarded it to be, I mean one looks in the T.V. what is going on in this world and one just thinks “Oh but is something normal (as normal as my red nose)” it will fix itself, it always do…quite scary, so, I had to create the fear of death in itself to sustain a “feeling of being alive” and within this the life is accepted in its current abusive state of suffering and deliberate disregard of other living beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the experience of apathy to a definition of reality, and I mean, its a definition because everything of what I have as perception of the reality is knowledge and information, but nothing of this knowledge and information is physical, it has just been a “pretension to explain this EXPERIENCE within myself” now the question is: have I been in any way looking at the real reality with my eyes? or have I been looking at it through my mind? Life has become but a definition of knowledge and Information which has been only seen through the mind but never actually really lived as a real reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that life has become a definition of knowledge and information and within this what I can see is that I have not accepted and allowed me to really live, in any way whatsoever, because I have only existed as a Mind, a Consciousness that functions in an illusionary reality of knowledge and information. I have a question: Can death in any way exist if life does not exist? Have I been alive in any way whatsoever? Am I able to I die when I haven´t existed as life? What is death then? What is actually dying when one dies? Where does one goes when one die? I remember that my family spoked about haven, as I was grew in a Christian family, everytime that I prayed, I remember that I said in my prays, “Our Father, who art in the wave, hallowed be marijuana”…shit, I am praying to the other one…, ahem…Our father, who art in heaven…

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I by giving value and worth to knowledge and information instead of giving value and worth to life, I have been professing and praying to a God based in knowledge and information that allows me to create a blissful experience of positivity around life, instead of actually really living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life exist without even considering that within this I have gave “life to thoughts as a system in which I have grown and developed myself within and as it” instead of realizing that to be able to really live, I must walk and end each and every single construct that I had created in separation of life, because I am not able to define life in any way whatsoever for obvious reasons, I would be returning to the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have lived in this world, without seeing that when I disregard what is going on in this world as the abuse to life, I am no longer part of it, as I am not seeing and considering life in itself and therefore I am not life and I will not be able to be it, as long as there is abuse in this world.

Till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, A, abamperes, abandoned, abandoner, abasement, abashment, abatement, abattises, abattoirs, able, aboard, about, above, absence, accept, accident, accomplish, according, account, across, act, action, add, addition, address, adopt, affair, afraid, after, afternoon, again, against, age, ago, agreement, air, alike, all, allege, allow, almost, alone, along, already, also, apathy, appreciation, aviation, beautiful things, Bernard Poolman, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, boundaries, capitalism, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, communism, community, conformation, control, convenient, convention, convict, copy, cordially, cost, could, country, course, court, cover, crowd, cut, dark, dash, date, dating, daughter, day, dead, deal, dear, death, debate, December, decide, decision, declare, deep, degree, delay, department, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, destroy, develop, diamond, did, disguise, eagerness, ealdorman, ealdormen, earliness, earlships, earlywood, earmarked, earnestly, earphones, earpieces, Economy, education, educational system, emotions, entire world, equalmoney, fabricant, fabricate, fabulists, facecloth, facedowns, facelifts, facemasks, faceplate, facetious, facetting, farm, fear of failure, fear of lose, feelings, fire, fired, forgiveness, freedom, friends, fulfillment, fun, gaming, give up, god, goodness, great, hard, has, hat, have, he, head, hear, heard, heart, heaven, height, held, help, her, here, herself, high, him, himself, his, history, hold, home, honesty, honor, hope, horse, hot, hour, house, how, however, human, human-rights, hurt, husband, I, ice, if, imbecile, incapibility, joke, laagering, labdanums, labelable, labellers, labelling, labialize, laborious, laborites, labourers, labouring, lie, life, lose, lost, love, manifestation, mediocrity, motivational speech, negative experience, negative experiences, nose, oakmosses, oarfishes, oarswoman, oarswomen, oasthouse, obbligati, obbligato, obcordate, obeahisms, obedience, official, often, old, omit, on, once, one, Oneness and Equality, only, open, opinion, or, order, organization, organize, other, ought, our, out, outside, over, own, page, paid, paint, pair, paper, part, particular, party, pass, past, pay, people, perfect, perhaps, period, personal, point of conflict, politics, power, qindarkas, quaaludes, quackisms, quadrants, quadrated, quadrates, quadratic, quadrigae, quadrille, quadrivia, Quality, Quality of Life, quit, realization, red, relationships, religion, sabadilla, sabbatics, sablefish, sabotaged, sabotages, saboteurs, saccharin, sacculate, sackcloth, sacrament, school, schoolmate, smile, socialism, society, something, sometimes, son, song, soon, sorry, south, speak, special, specialness, spell, spend, spent, spirituality, spring, stamp, stand, start, state, statement, station, stay, steamer, still, stole, stone, stood, stop, stopped, story, street, struck, study, studying, success, such, sudden, suffer, suggest, Sunette a.k.a Winged, superior, teachers, theology, tip of the iceberg, transportation, truth, turmoil, vacancies, vacations, vaccinate, vaccinees, vaccinial, vaccinias, vacillate, vacuities, vacuolate, vacuously, videogames, win, work

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The Journey of a Clown Day 23, Fear of failure (Fear of school)

8 Jan

This morning I was about to write my experience towards the school, and how I have related it to the point of fear of failure, nevertheless, what I begun to write was a negative experience that I had in relation to the school system and I realized that what I was writing was just a justification of my experience of what actually really happened because, I mean, I have a tendency to victimize myself with negative experiences but once that one face the moment of realization in self honesty, I mean, the creation in itself of placing the negative experience as the starting point of research only limits oneself from actually walking the point in itself and also limits the point in itself of self honesty because is like one can hide behind an experience to feel better with oneself in regards to the point as a form of commodity from which is more difficult to stand.

So the first question in regards to this point, that emerge is: How is it that I have created this resistance towards the school in itself? I mean, I can utilize all the negative events to create as much as I want a negative experience towards the school and a positive experience to justify and excuse my resistance towards the school, nevertheless, utilizing or defining myself accordingly to a negative or positive experience does not allow me to really be self honest with myself and I mean, as I have shared before, my entire focus within the school was towards relationships, so what actually really happened was that I will deliberately fail in every task in the school to be able to be part of the group of those that “rebel towards the system”. I mean the consequence is obvious, as I didn’t allowed myself to do anything, obviously I didn’t really learn anything practical and the consequence then is obvious, because what I am actually reflecting to myself within this resistance is that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop effective skills to be able to face the school in any and all its forms, therefore the point of fear of failure within this specific point is showing me that the fear is actually just a reflection of where is that my limitations exist, and I guess that it can be easily took to each and every single point that one walks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear towards the school by relating the school with something that is difficult, but as all the people that I have met in my life and that actually were effective in the school since the first steps, so to speak…, obviously one experiences it as difficult when one doesn’t do the labor necessary to be able to understand the material and also pay attention during the class, and I mean I can remember when I was in the classroom and how I just used to go into my mind and to let the day go by while I was dreaming about other things in which I placed value and worth and created the sense of victimization around them to be able to justify and excuse the bad grades, I mean it got to the point, in which I pretended to be sick to be able to go to my home and to remain at home and you know, all of the tricks and bullshit that one plays during the moments of absolute laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the schooling system for everything like my “bad grades” when actually it was also me who didn’t do whatever it takes to be able to support myself, something that was really fascinating as I went through the high school, is that I begun to realize how fascinated I was for all what was presented in all the subjects and how easy it was to really understand the materials if one allows oneself to pay attention, and within that I went like “fuck, I wish I had known before”, because then I could have been able to understand or do a lot of more things and maybe I would be doing or studying other things instead of just drawing because I perceived myself to be only good at it as I saw everything else as a limitation, an absurd limitation that I didn’t allowed myself to face, and who knows maybe I could be already ending my college and so on. I mean I can see all of this people going like, “is fault of the teacher and he didn’t told us how to solve this problem” and I mean, What is what the schools do? Fired teachers that are actually good teachers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the teachers and to justify my bad grades by saying that “I was having troubles with the school due to the teachers or due to the subject” instead of confronting the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to support myself , similar points around all my life, is a reflection of many decisions that I made in my life due to this point of not confronting the reality and not allowing myself to be self honest, I mean, one single habit that one accepts as giving up in a certain situation of ones life, will be repeated over and over again till you confront it and actually recognize what is necessary to be done, its something that doesn’t even requires to be realized, is already too obvious, is already here as the consequence of one not doing something to support oneself, and I mean there are really bad programs in the school for the education, but that is not a justification, I mean,, when I was a child I took a lot of encyclopedias and documentaries and what I try to point out is the fact that one is able to give to oneself as much support as one requires it, but it is more easy to justify and excuse and blame the system which is only why the system can continue as it exists, because one does not give a challenge, and I mean I quit my previous school by saying that “it didn’t represented a challenge”, but I mean, I had to be that challenge to my school, and if I wanted to rebel to the system and to “harm it” I have achieved it, I see how is it that I have participated in the creation of the actual manifestation of the current educational system and I realize that the only form to fix it, is not by telling the governments, “HEY DO SOMETHING”, the solution will have to come from the students, the education from the students by the students and for the students.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up in the educational system before even allowing myself to give it a try and to support myself to actually do something about MY IGNORANCE, because I see and realize that when and as I have blame something or someone, the only thing that I have done is that I placed my ignorance as responsibility of someone else, and that is something really stupid.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up before even begin to work and study and to support myself, as I allowed myself to take the easy way of listening to all of the people who were just blaming the educational system with a lot of conspiracy theories which are only the reflection of what we have allowed to exist in our current system, but I mean “what are our teacher and professors showing us if we have the system that we have?” they went through the same fucking bullshit and they are actually showing us what we have become as society, as humanity.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed me to give my attention away to relationships within the search for a “nice experience” instead of realizing that when I allowed myself to divert my attention away from that which requires my attention in the moment I am also giving away the opportunity in which I can stand and do something about me and you know develop more effective skills and find more effective ways to practically live in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this sense of regret within me about the past and what I did and what I not did for myself instead of seeing that to create another experience about a point of realization is just another form of limiting me to stand up and do something about what is here and what I have realized

Till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, A, abamperes, abandoned, abandoner, abasement, abashment, abatement, abattises, abattoirs, able, aboard, about, above, absence, accept, accident, accomplish, according, account, across, act, action, add, addition, address, adopt, affair, afraid, after, afternoon, again, against, age, ago, agreement, air, alike, all, allege, allow, almost, alone, along, already, also, appreciation, aviation, beautiful things, Bernard Poolman, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, community, conformation, control, convenient, convention, convict, copy, cordially, cost, could, country, course, court, cover, crowd, cut, dark, dash, date, dating, daughter, day, dead, deal, dear, death, debate, December, decide, decision, declare, deep, degree, delay, department, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, destroy, develop, diamond, did, disguise, eagerness, ealdorman, ealdormen, earliness, earlships, earlywood, earmarked, earnestly, earphones, earpieces, education, educational system, emotions, equalmoney, fabricant, fabricate, fabulists, facecloth, facedowns, facelifts, facemasks, faceplate, facetious, facetting, fear of failure, fear of lose, feelings, fire, fired, forgiveness, freedom, friends, fulfillment, fun, gaming, give up, great, hard, has, hat, have, he, head, hear, heard, heart, height, held, help, her, here, herself, high, him, himself, his, history, hold, home, honesty, honor, hope, horse, hot, hour, house, how, however, human, hurt, husband, I, ice, if, imbecile, incapibility, joke, laagering, labdanums, labelable, labellers, labelling, labialize, laborious, laborites, labourers, labouring, lie, life, lose, lost, love, mediocrity, motivational speech, negative experience, negative experiences, nose, oakmosses, oarfishes, oarswoman, oarswomen, oasthouse, obbligati, obbligato, obcordate, obeahisms, obedience, official, often, old, omit, on, once, one, only, open, opinion, or, order, organization, organize, other, ought, our, out, outside, over, own, page, paid, paint, pair, paper, part, particular, party, pass, past, pay, people, perfect, perhaps, period, personal, point of conflict, politics, power, qindarkas, quaaludes, quackisms, quadrants, quadrated, quadrates, quadratic, quadrigae, quadrille, quadrivia, quit, realization, red, relationships, religion, sabadilla, sabbatics, sablefish, sabotaged, sabotages, saboteurs, saccharin, sacculate, sackcloth, sacrament, school, schoolmate, smile, society, something, sometimes, son, song, soon, sorry, south, speak, special, specialness, spell, spend, spent, spirituality, spring, stamp, stand, start, state, statement, station, stay, steamer, still, stole, stone, stood, stop, stopped, story, street, struck, study, studying, success, such, sudden, suffer, suggest, Sunette a.k.a Winged, superior, teachers, theology, transportation, truth, vacancies, vacations, vaccinate, vaccinees, vaccinial, vaccinias, vacillate, vacuities, vacuolate, vacuously, videogames, win, work

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The Journey of a Clown Day 22, Fear of Making Mistakes

6 Jan

I was looking at a memory that I have related for quite some time to making a mistake or you know, being irresponsible, this happened quite a long time ago, I think that I had around 8 or 9 years old, and this was an occasion in which I went with my family to a kind of farm, but instead of many animals it was only a trout farm, in which there was a restaurant in the top of a hill and in front of the restaurant, there was a lot of sites to play for children, and I quite enjoyed to play in the bridge of wood that those kind of sites had, but in that occasion I asked to my father to buy me a slingshot that had a form of a rifle, and I went up to the structure and while I was climbing, I had the slingshot charged with a stone, and I thought that it was safe, because I had the lock placed and as I was climbing I didn’t noticed that the the slingshot went off and the stone hit the eye of a girl, and I left her eye sunk, and I just realized this once that I was already in the top of the structure and then many children gathered around me and begun to push me and to kind of tried to throw me out of the structure, and I mean it wasn’t very high, but I was afraid, and well I begun to cry ad so on. And I just felt like I didn´t deserve to live or something like that, I mean the feeling was specific, in the sense that I had like the sensation of just remaining in the floor and not get up. Like a form of self defeating and since then I created like an addiction to such experience of self defeating, Because I mean its like more easy to stay out of any trouble and just going into this masochist experience of blame and judgment and you know, since then I created a kind of hate towards myself that I have just been rising and rising and rising, with every fucking mistake that I make, I guess that it took a process to get to that point, and I mean, this was just one of many experiences in which I couldn’t stop feeling like bullshit, or shit like that, maybe that is the reason why I prefer to stay at home so that I don´t get in any trouble or something that takes me out, well is not that I am going now to run out in the streets doing a lot of bullshit because actually every form of entertaining seems quite boring for me, and I mean maybe I am creating a judgment towards it, but everything looks like very silly games of egos, just going to parties and doing absolutely nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about the damage that I did to this girl in her eye entering into the experience of self victimization to which I deliberately made myself addicted so that I could justify what I did to this girl and all the abuse that I have committed since then

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of self defeat to not take responsibility for what I did, because I didn’t said anything to my parents, I just told them that I wanted to go home, before I got in more troubles having to be scolded by the parents of the little girl, and I mean, I knew the consequences, I knew that there was a risk for playing with a slingshot, but I didn’t cared I was just following my desire of playing and breaking things although my parents told me that I could hurt someone but I didn’t heard them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take into consideration the consequences of what I could create by playing with that weapon, because I mean, the purpose of that shit, is to break things and to throw stones, what the fuck do I expected to happen? but actually it seems that I didn’t got the message because its like this kind of experiences repeated themselves over and over again, with the same kind of situations and, it got a point in which I just decided to not do it anymore, because it was stupid beyond believe, and I mean, I enjoyed a lot to play with knives and tools (the consequence of watching a lot of action movies and the desire to be as STRONG as the protagonists, this is a point for another blog), that was actually something that motivated me to go into the militarized school, and I actually can see that the consequences within the school was something that I actually created, and is kind of funny in a way because all of this time I have been looking at those times as “bad times” (there was a lot of things that I enjoyed but those are other points), when actually I created my own fuck up, I actually was judging myself, because I was there and the experience is here within me

Is fascinating, the result of all of this, I mean now I understand what is it that I have get to isolate so much of the people, it was all because of me, I cannot blame the psychologists, or the people around me, everything was the result of my own bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into judgments and blame towards myself instead of seeing that such experiences of judgments and blame has actually driven me to only create more points of self victimization and self hate which has reduced me to not be able to develop effective relationships, is quite funny I sit in my home and wait that something happens, but nothing really ever happens because I am here and thats it, there is no movement, no actual realization of anything. I guess this is a point in which I actually can commit myself to take myself to do more thing out of my home, I am not saying to go to social events or bullshit like that, but to actually get to know this world, travel to do more things and to learn more things and you know, it is also a point that I have resisted for so long because I don´t enjoyed to travel with my family and long distances, but I actually enjoy to travel alone, and to do social work, like the occasion in which I went to the turtle hatchery and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make mistakes as I have created fear of the consequences of such mistakes which I have related to me as being a failure and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of mistakes and within this not realizing that I within this I have created fear of moving myself and of taking directive action and within this I have created fear to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving myself not realizing that any and every action has consequences but the law of prevention can actually support oneself to take responsibility for ones own actions and what one can actually determine from ones own actions to be make the best result for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to take responsibility for myself and my actions by hiding in my home and secluding myself from everyone that comes as an opportunity to learn something and to do something out of my ordinary living to test myself in new places to actually learn more and new stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live in this world, because I have created fear of myself, as I haven´t allowed myself to trust myself and to move myself within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear myself as I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to actually really move and take responsibility for myself in each and every action as self honesty.

I commit myself to explore deeply in myself by taking me to do more stuff and to actually really learn to live practically in this world by myself

till the next joke

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The Journey of a Clown Day 21, Fear of losing Relationships

5 Jan

Since several months a have already begun to see that the people around me has begun to react extensively to myself, as the way in which I have been taking my process to the point in which I have made a lot of things and decisions that has taken me to the point of conflict many times with many persons, and there was a moment in which I found myself alone, but in fact during those months in which I found myself alone, I also found that I now had more time to do my stuff, something I really enjoyed, nevertheless, as I have shared in the previous blog, the internal competition manifested as this greed, envy, jealousy, etc., is something that has remained within the relationships with the people with who I am still doing several activities, and I mean, I enjoy to be with them, because we do a lot of practical stuff, like for instance doing meetings to do social work, crafts as, you know the other day we were making a couple of pois to dance, and you know, shit like that. But I have not stopped to think and feel guilty for what I experience when being in front of them and their girlfriends or whatever, and that is also a point that was a point that I was afraid of speaking, because what I have seen is this fear of, not only loosing relationships but also going into conflict with these people, there has been a couple of times in which I have faced them and tell them what I was experiencing within myself, the reactions went better than what I actually expected, a little bit of discomfort took place within them and one of them told me that he didn’t trust me, but anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when seeing the experiences that I have created within me towards other people, not realizing that when I react towards my own experience I am actually stating that I still have value placed in such points and that I have identified and defined myself within such points, for which I have this sensation of guilt as if it were like saying to myself, I am not able to change and this is everything that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with guilt to my own inner experiences giving value and worth to such ideas by defining myself as that in which I have created judgments towards myself and towards others instead of seeing and realizing that instead of going into such reactions I can explore the point in self honesty without any fear at all, because I see and realize that it is just an illusion and it is not who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of fear of losing the relationships with the persons that I appreciate when seeing this reactions within me, like saying that I have accepted myself as those judgments and thoughts within me which I have projected towards the persons that I appreciate

I realize that the fear of losing relationships was just a scam that I created for myself as a way of diverting my attention and giving value to my inner judgments and even the relationships in itself in which I have placed that value in separation of me instead of allowing me to take responsibility for myself to no longer allow myself to participate in such judgments and thoughts and not only to these beings, but also to anything and everyone else in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create the experience of guilt as repentance to also create the experience of “that I am a good person for feeling guilty about this thoughts” in which I have not faced the thoughts but I have preserved the experience of being guilty to continue with my accepted pattern of participation within the emotions and feelings towards them and towards their girlfriends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards my friends in the secrecy of my mind instead of looking at such judgments and confront them in self honesty by asking myself; how is it that I have created such judgments within myself and how is it that I have related myself to such judgments? and within that not seeing that it is me who is giving value to such judgments and within that I am creating guilt because it is me who has defined himself in relation to such judgments as it is me seeing me reflected in those judgments projected in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by isolating myself from the people around me I am not going to solve the inner conflict within me, because I see that the way in which I have created all of me has been trough relationships and therefore, by isolating myself from the people around me, is like just creating another layer of separation that only difficult me even more to be able to stand up and forgive myself to change myself and change this world for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value and importance to the relationships in itself than to life, without realizing that life is not defining accordingly to any relationship as it is unconditional and therefore to fear to lose relationships becomes irrelevant as what they are is only the reflection of self interest as separation, in which I have created the ultimate form of abuse to life, based on manipulation and control of what is here trough mind relationships, like competition for example

How is it that I have created the relationships towards the people that I see in my world? I can see that I experience fear towards the people in my world, no body is able to be trusted and within me there are all of this forms of competition that makes of everyone in my world my enemy, but only with the exception of those in which I find myself interest able to be fulfilled. How is it that I have came to fear the people in my world? I can remember a lot of things, the school and my schoolmates, my parents always being afraid of me going out to the street and being robed in a couple of occasions, the news on television, I also have fear to the people when they look at me, it is like I see their faces and the disgust within them to look at me or you know, those specific looks of anger within the people. It is amazing, I have actually being exciting in my happy world of jokes and fun, and lights within my mind, but I have never seen what is really going on within this world, and also I don´t remember myself asking to myself what is really going on in this world. why? Because of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I create competition towards the people in my world I make of everyone my enemy and therefore I place myself into a situation of constant and continuous stress as I fear everything and everyone in my world, by seeing them as a threat to “my life, my world” and I see and realize that within that I have placed value in separation of myself towards things in which I can focus my attention to divert everything of me to the energy so that I don´t have to see or worry about any other living being in my world because I see that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own fear, which I have also created to feel protected from everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world in which I live as I have also created the fear to think about what is going on, because maybe that sort of things could happen to me and as I don´t want to be on that situation I only ignore it and pretend that everything in my world is okay because I am protected in my home and in the commodity of a safe place in which I can hide from the negative thoughts, as in my home I have ways to entertain myself with television, food, exercise, porn, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard any other form of life as I have feared to get involved with what is here to actually do something because I fear to be harm as those that are actually suffering in this world, because of me not standing up and being the voice of those that actually have nothing to defend or protect themselves with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be harmed if I were to stand up and speak for those that are not hear, and I can extensively relate this point to the beginning of my process and when I was beginning to apply forgiveness, I was to shit scared that someone reacted to my words, and I had all of those thoughts and conspiracies about the people, in which I created a total psychosis about them and about being betrayed by them and shit like that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to apply self forgiveness out-loud as I have feared the reactions of the people around me as my family and my friends, then creating this energetic emotional experience of fear of losing relationships to apparently protect myself from losing them, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be robed by other human being as I have created fear of losing my personal belongings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value and worth within things that are separated from myself and that I have thought that if I were to lose such things I would not be able to “live the life” as I have accepted and allowed it to be and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that trough accepting and allowing myself to place value in stuff separated from myself I have allowed the life to be as it exists in the Capitalistic system that we have created

Till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, abamperes, abandoned, abandoner, abasement, abashment, abatement, abattises, abattoirs, accomplish, act, appreciation, beautiful things, Bernard Poolman, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, community, conformation, control, dating, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, disguise, eagerness, ealdorman, ealdormen, earliness, earlships, earlywood, earmarked, earnestly, earphones, earpieces, emotions, equalmoney, fabricant, fabricate, fabulists, facecloth, facedowns, facelifts, facemasks, faceplate, facetious, facetting, fear of lose, feelings, forgiveness, freedom, friends, fulfillment, fun, great, history, imbecile, incapibility, joke, laagering, labdanums, labelable, labellers, labelling, labialize, laborious, laborites, labourers, labouring, lie, life, lose, lost, love, mediocrity, nose, oakmosses, oarfishes, oarswoman, oarswomen, oasthouse, obbligati, obbligato, obcordate, obeahisms, obedience, opinion, paint, point of conflict, power, qindarkas, quaaludes, quackisms, quadrants, quadrated, quadrates, quadratic, quadrigae, quadrille, quadrivia, red, relationships, religion, sabadilla, sabbatics, sablefish, sabotaged, sabotages, saboteurs, saccharin, sacculate, sackcloth, sacrament, smile, specialness, spirituality, Sunette a.k.a Winged, superior, theology, truth, vacancies, vacations, vaccinate, vaccinees, vaccinial, vaccinias, vacillate, vacuities, vacuolate, vacuously, win, work

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The Journey of a Clown Day 20, Competition as Hate towards Self

4 Jan

I am going to begin within this fear, which has in fact already manifested as a consequence, within the competition, but this is an internal competition, that I haven’t revealed to anyone, due to the fear of the consequences, not realizing that the consequences are already here manifested within me as the experience of competition in itself.

What is it that motivates the continuation of deception within myself? The temptation to divert the attention towards that which is the desire in itself, the reaching of something which is not me, which is more than me, which is separated from me.

I can see a recent experience that actually can describe this that is happening within myself; I have been looking for so long to the relationships of my friends(Free ends), I am not speaking about them as my friends, I am speaking about who they are, and of that which I envy of them. I was looking at their girlfriends, and I also see the moments in which I met them, I fell in love of them, the girlfriends of my friends, I have already walked this in a previous blog, but certainly, now I am able to look at the relationship specifically, as I have already shared, I did a lot of things to be part of the group to be able to be with the girl which I liked, but what I haven’t walked yet, is what I experience when I am in front of my friends and their girlfriends.

When I am in front of the girlfriends of my friends, I have seen myself plotting and desiring to be with their girlfriends, and this also has been a point that I have taken within myself to try to become better than my friends at the eyes of their girlfriends, in fact, I can see a pattern between how I have seen everything as a picture and also how I have considered myself to be a picture, because is like that I am trying to become a symbol of desire in the mind of others, and for that I have made of myself a picture of such desires, an entire self manipulation, and I mean this have sense, because is like as the saying, to be the perfect illusionist, you have to not only deceive the public, you have also to deceive yourself for it to be more real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plot against my friends so that I can create this illusion for myself of an opportunity with their girlfriends, then the friend is not really a friend isn’t it? or not as I have live it, and walked it and I mean, I am again placing the responsibility in separation of myself, because I am seeing me doing this and I have tried to become better at the eyes of others, when within me I never gave a fuck about the bullshit that I was doing. Actually I never dare to look at the real bullshit that I have been doing, I just placed beautiful pictures within my mind of their girlfriends and there was my desire to be with them, to have them and you know, the whole scenario and shit like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with the girlfriends of my friends, by following this energetic experience and creating and entire state of competition to be like my friends as I perceived myself to be inferior to them by creating comparisons and judgments towards myself as the inferiority in itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to my friends, through placing value judgments within me as pictures of what I have perceived them to be, not realizing that is me who is looking and giving value to such points when maybe, they don´t even care about such things and you know, maybe they are seeing at other things within me in which I don´t place value and so on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in separation of myself as pictures and demonstrations of skills(self kill) which I have considered to be SPECIAL and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth in skills with I have perceived that makes me someone special, without ever realizing that I have created the fear in which if I were to lose such skills I would apparently become diminished or not existent (at the eyes of others) but what would remain then is the real me, the reality of myself

I commit myself to confront that in which I have placed value and worth in separation of me, myself to reveal to me who I am without any of those things in which I have placed value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be exposed in this fear as I have feared to confront the reality of myself and the consequences from which I have been hiding of, as this internal competition that I didn´t allowed myself to reveal to anyone, not even to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be self honest as I realize that I already knew that I would have to face my own consequences and what I have accepted and allowed within me as myself.

Till the next joke…

Tags: accomplish, act, appreciation, beautiful things, body of a woman, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, community, conformation, control, dating, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, disguise, DIY, emotions, equalmoney, feelings, forgiveness, fulfillment, fun, great, history, imbecile, incapibility, joke, lie, life, love, mediocrity, nose, opinion, paint, politics, quotes, red, relationships, religion, smile, specialness, spirituality, superior, truth, videogames, work

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The Journey of a Clown Day 19, Facing my fears

3 Jan

I am going to be walking my fears before getting to the greatest fear of all, I guess that it will also be more easy for me to see my own fear by confronting the fear of the possibility that my father die.

I am thinking, where should I begin? and this is already a reference that I already know where to begin, but I am diverting my attention to the energetic emotional experience instead of looking directly to my own fear, and I think that I begin to understand why it is that this point manifests, when I think about fears, I am searching and evaluating the amount of energy that I experience from many pictures, memories, situations, ideas and so on, but I am not looking directly at one of them and you know, taking it and exploring it, then what I would be doing is to look at the resistance in itself and then from there walk the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought: where do I begin? not seeing that my own fear is already manifesting itself as this doubt, as the question in itself “where do I begin?”, so another question is why is it that I am creating resistances to speak out my own fear? Is it that do I fear my own fear? and How is it possible that the fear, fears itself? Is interesting, the fear cannot fear itself, because it is already that which is fear itself, but, if the fear cannot fear itself and I have been in fact walking in my daily living, doing a lot of stuff that I don´t even see as a point of fear and I justify it as something that is normal when in fact what is behind of it is fear, and there are a lot of points that represents like you know, a point in which the relationship with fears is in danger I will then avoid it because it would show me then that I am not that fear, and that I don´t have to live as that fear.

The question of “where do I begin?” is a form of fear, that is placed as another form of energy, but every single thing within the mind comes and depends of fear to sustain itself as it exists, therefore, what I am able to see is that all and everything that I am and have become is a manifestation of fear and that is why, I see this world as NORMAL, because it is already me, this world is me and what is going on within this world, this circus, is me, I have become the circus and therefore what the circus is showing me, is that I am within the Circus, and I am able to stop the circus by allowing myself to stop everything that I have created of me as the circus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to confront my own fear by creating another forms of energetic experiences so that I don´t question what is going on within this world, this circus, and within myself.

So, if my questions are deliberately placed as a form of diversion, what I require to do is to formulate real questions, and to look deep in myself if that question is really a point of self honesty to confront myself, because as long as I define my questions within an structure of finding like, you know, just the “quick answer = justification” for everything, then nothing is really going to move, or change at all.

Then, how is it that I created the fear within myself? what is the purpose or the reason for it to exist? There is something that this fear doesn’t want me to look at. The ego knows everything about me, nevertheless I also know what is existing within me and therefore I will give to myself the answer of myself, the answer to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am able to give to myself the answer if I allow myself to confront my own fear, because the fear in itself is existing within me because I exist, If I didn’t exist this fear would not exist, and if this fear doesn’t want me to look at me, and to realize that I exist, and that in fact I am able to do something about me, and about my world, then this fear is also limited, as limited as I am, because in my existence as fear I have become it, therefore I have to walk myself out of it, and to do that, I have to walk each and every single fucking fear that I had created within me and within my world as the experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me and to see that I actually really exists and therefore that I am able to do something about me, because I do not depend of the energetic experience to move me, as I am able to move myself for myself and exist here, and I realize that, that is only able to happen if I allow myself to be independent of each and every single form of emotion, feeling, energy, reaction, etc., therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the energetic experiences within me as I created a certain sense of commodity in relation to other experiences that depend of fear in itself, like love, the love for my father, which is deception as I see that my interest has been that of money. I guess that, that (dad) is a nice point to begin with.

How is it that I have created such relationship towards my father?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I love my father, when I have not seen that I do not have to say that to myself, I do not have to convince myself if that were real, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince me that I love my father, and now I am asking within myself, but then why is it that I have created so much lies within me? why is it that I have allowed myself so much conflict and shame within me and within my world? I mean, is not about my father, is about each and every single form and expression within this world, if I really cared, I would not be looking for another fucking thing, because the world is already here and I am here with and as this world, I see the lies that I have told to my father and to myself, I see all the suffering that I have create towards my father and how it has affected him, many times I asked myself, why is it that my father has got so angry at us? I never tried to understand him, as I never tried to understand this world, for me it was very easy to create a beautiful feeling towards everything in this world, and pictures and knowledge about it, but, when do I tried to even look at this world and ask myself if it really deserves that I allow such abuse within me? The responsibility resides where I take responsibility for myself, knowing that it will benefit everyone, that has nothing to do with love, it is equality, it is oneness (do onto other as you would like to be done onto you)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself as I have allowed me to become a clown, a joke to life and I have not considered that, I have allowed me to abuse life, to abuse me, to abuse everything in this existence and I have created this circus as it exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take responsibility for myself means to take care of life, and I can see this in many moments in which I saw that what I was doing was in fact dishonest, as I went with my friends to drink alcohol and take drugs when my father asked me to not do it, and I mean, is not about the point of obedience and you know the family values and so on, it is about that I became someone that is not able to be trusted, I did not took into consideration that what I was doing was in fact an abuse to my physical body, and I mean, I knew what I was doing, but I allowed myself to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become someone that is not able to be trusted as I have not even regarded and honored my own words and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself as life, by allowing myself to use my words as manipulation tactics, as lies, to be able to have the energetic experiences of the drugs of the experiences of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of guilt around this realization to victimize myself within the thoughts, “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention” therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thoughts “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention”, when actually I knew what I was doing, and I see that what I have created and what I am experiencing are my own consequences.

I commit myself to confront each and every single fear and point of dishonesty so that I am able to stand up as a real being that takes care of life, and that actually cares about life

Till the next joke…

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The Journey of a Clown Day 18, Victimization and Specialness as Pride Pt2

2 Jan

Continuing with this point, I was where I saw how by allowing myself to be acquiescent, I have also created the point in which I sustain the abuse towards me and towards this world. Nevertheless, I also see that I have not allowed myself to be enough specific within this process as I have not yet understood the relationships towards myself within my mind.

OK, so, How is it that I have created the relationship of Victimization and how it is related to the experience (as the excuse to feel sorry for myself) of loneliness? But before getting to that I remember that I left some points opened that I didn’t explored in self honesty, as the experience of fear to be see as weak, and I also assume that this connection between the experience of victimization and loneliness is also related to this particular fear of being seen as weak, if I see this as a form of hiding, how is it that I have came to this point of hiding myself and why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of victimization as an excuse to hide myself within using the justification that I feel alone, then how is it that I have created this relationship of feeling alone towards myself? because is actually quite interesting that I have given value and worth to such experience when actually I am here, and I mean, yes, I am alone, but this experience of loneliness is more like a dependency towards something or someone, because when I have this experience what I have done is that I always use it to justify to go to play videogames and get distracted from the energetic experience or also I have been creating like a certain experience of depression, but I mean, does that change anything at all? or I am using such experiences to actually place myself in those situations for the search of more energetic experiences? If that is so, it is then obvious that this is a form of addiction, addiction to depression as a negative experience and within that what I can also see is that when I create such experiences I am also going into an experience of specialness, but this specialness is dependent of the victimization, in the sense that I have given so much value and worth to the negative experience that I have seen it as something that has importance and within this I have pretended to gave importance to myself in that way, as a victim of almost a form of abuse, but, it is an abuse that I am creating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create experiences of self victimization and self sorry, to create an experience of specialness within this, creating a point of attention and energy that is accumulated within this points, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships between the memories and the experience of self victimization as self sorry to place this points as me and to experience the energy as me

I understand, I have to create relationships to be able to place the energetic experience as myself to be able to experience it, therefore, the point of loneliness as the diversion of attention is only a tactic to keep myself searching for relationships/experiences =energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone and for accepting myself to create the experience of loneliness, well actually, if I didn’t had the experience of loneliness it should be impossible for me to feel alone, I mean, is like when a baby cries, why? because it is searching for attention, and I mean if I learned when I was a baby that I would receive attention if I victimized and myself and cried, everything that I have been doing is actually remaining a baby… now I see the relationship towards my father again and how it is that I became worried for his death only because, that is like the point in which I have created this relationship towards money, my own survival, and actually anything less than really seeing in self honesty what all of this entails, would be like the ultimate act of stupidity, and that is not funny at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this experiences of depression and obsession for relationships and attention to be able to have what I wanted, instead of allowing myself to be independent and learn how to actually take care of myself and enjoy myself, because really, there is nothing else to do in this world than walking each and every single construct and give to self the opportunity to change

Till the next joke… in the point of fear of death

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, accomplish, act, appreciation, attraction, bad joke, beautiful things, Bernard Poolman, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, capitalism, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, communism, community, conformation, control, dating, death, deception, deshonesty, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, disguise, Economics, emotions, EMS, energetic experience, energy, equal life foundation, Equal Money, equalmoney, experiences, fake smile, feelings, forgive, forgiveness, free, freedom, fulfillment, fun, gaming, great, history, imbecile, incapibility, joke, justification, Lao Tzu, lie, lies, life, loneliness, love, manipulation, master of puppets, masturbation, mediocrity, mime, mimic, mind, money, negative experience, nose, obsession, opinion, paint, politics, porn, power, prank, red, relationships, religion, resistance, self esteem, self exploration, self honesty, self manipulation, smile, socialism, society, specialness, spirituality, strong, succeed, Sunette a.k.a Winged, superior, system, tears, think, travel, truth, victimization, videogames, Winged, work, World

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The Journey of a Clown Day 17, Victimization and Specialness as Pride

1 Jan

Is Fascinating the amount of resistance within this point, because I perceive it as it makes me seen as weak, fascinating, the victimization and pride are part of the same, just a picture, and particularly, this point also brings shame, because I see that the victimization is just an excuse to not stand up, and what I did is that I created this point of pride and arrogance to divert the attention from the point of victimization, the question then is: what is it that I am fearing to see? How is it that I took myself to this point of hiding myself behind victimization as some sort of protection? what is that I am trying to hide from myself? Interesting; I am not trying to divert my attention from it, because actually I am giving a lot of energy to it, I am trying to divert other people attention from me, from the real me, because, I mean the point to create a picture is also to create the illusion of beauty towards it, I mean, the beauty is within the mind of the observer isn´t it, other wise, there would not be any purpose into create and spend so much energy into a picture, is like Pornography, all the energy goes into create the experience around a picture, and that picture becomes you, and when one tries so much to be or become something or someone to gain the attention from others, is to receive their energy, to attain relationships, sex, essentially, one becomes the porn picture that one sees, because one reacts towards the picture of everyone else and you create your relationships within what you want, what you need, what you desire, is scary.

What I experience within masturbation is a form of pleasure, but the cost is the complete sacrifice of myself, all my time, all my energy to the orgasm, not seem worth it.

Returning to this point of victimization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to speak out the point of victimization in self honesty because I see that by exposing this point, everything else just falls apart, because I then become exposed as the real clown that I have actually accepted myself to be, and I mean, what is the pride for? It is a point, that is not part of the picture that I present to others, is a picture that I gave to myself to place value and worth in things that are actually so…insignificant, so deceptive, to not take responsibility for those things that are the real shame, those things that are the real illusion, or at least where I have have accepted the illusion to be the directive principle instead of me being and allowing me to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is becoming repetitive and I mean, it is, but is just because everything is intertwine, all the relationships depends of each other to be able to sustain the entire mind consciousness system, the circus itself, is interesting because I have fear of losing the interest of others in me, in this blog for example, but within this I am accepting myself to be only a picture, and that is really not funny

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose the interest of other people in me, in my picture, in presentation, in my act as a clown, because then you don´t enough money, and you don´t have enough experiences to feel and to be part of the society, you are left alone, you become a graceless clown, a clown without joke.

What are jokes actually, if not the opinions of the people about the world and other people? everything defined in a mind perspective of what life is or should be, everyone trying to fit in and survive their own opinion of the world and how this should be, because the survival in this system, only exists, because we have accepted it, we somehow think, that some must suffer so that others can have everything that they want

But anyway, actually I see that everything that I have done till this moment is give to myself enough strength to really go into the matter, the real point, lol, shit, well I don´t see anywhere else to go; memory by memory, thought by thought, relationship by relationship, everything requires to be walked specifically to bring the real me.

Very well then, what thoughts or memories come when I speak about victimization and specialness? I have one picture of myself here in this moment. Have I defined myself accordingly to my mind? what is my mind then? why it seems to be separated from me? I mean, I am seeing me…in my mind, and it is like I am speaking to me, that I am showing me something, but am I my mind? then who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself accordingly to the experience of victimization when seeing me going into this states of feeling sorry for myself and actually becoming acquiescent with this abuse towards the world and towards myself, strange that there is this acceptance and allowance of abuse, I mean, looking for instance to the opposite side of this point of victimization, the specialness, the pride, it is something that I am only able to create when a polarity exists.

How is it that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the abuse? through feeling sorry for myself, because I mean, by feeling sorry, I have like this sensation of you know is like a fake sense of appreciation of something, something that have worth and value over other things, because I am the one creating the experience and in consequence placing this value within that for which I feel sorry for, and that is not me, if that were so, I would be standing up and speaking in self honesty in every moment of every breath, the abuse of this world is what allows me to be the way I am, and in consequence I step back and allow the abuse, and I allow myself to feel sorry for myself instead of actually looking that the specialness that I am protecting with this victimization is just the justification of the abuse in this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Pornography for instance, I am acquiescent with myself and in consequence I create the experience of excitement and specialness, therefore to be acquiescent, means to accept and allow the abuse of the world and I see how I have done this within all my relationships, I mean, the point in which I have stand within all of the relationships, is that of pleasing others and in consequence, accepting the abuse of others by being acquiescent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the pride as strength and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape from the weakness that I have perceived within myself

The victimization is part of the character of specialness, because it makes me feel like I am the one that is suffering the injustice of the world, I have become such a self center asshole, as a Christian, that I didn´t saw the true suffering in this world

I will continue this in Part 2

Till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, accomplish, act, appreciation, arrogance, attention, aviation, bad joke, bdy, beautiful things, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, capitalism, Chrystianity, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, communism, community, conformation, control, dating, death, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, disguise, divert, emotions, equalmoney, financial, forgiveness, freedom, fulfillment, fun, funny, gaming, good joke, great, history, imbecile, incapibility, joke, journalist, journey to life blogs, letters, lie, life, love, mediocrity, money, nose, opinion, paint, physical, politics, pope, power, prank, quotes, red, reflection, relationships, religion, self esteem, self exploration, smile, socialism, society, specialness, spirituality, superior, system, truth, victimization, videogames, work, worker, writer

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The Journey of a Clown Day 16, Pornography part 2

1 Jan

(Don´t do what you think is self honesty, do what is actual real self honesty)

Continuing with this point, here I am sharing my relationship towards Pornography and how it became such a definition of myself that it defined all my relationships.

OK, so I ended up the previous blog sharing how I went into a real obsession with Pornography and how it became such an influence within sex that actually it defined my relationship towards sex and in fact the relationship with my couple. Well what I can realize of what I have walked within this point is that I became almost a picture programed with movements within sex, because that is all that I saw of myself, that is what I cared about me and myself as everything that I am and required to be to keep the relationship going, but I mean there were also many points in regards to the “behavior patterns” that actually begun to change once that I had sex, I mean one is first showing the part that is necessary to have the relationship, but it is amazing that in the first relationship you are going to fuck it up, because I mean is quite simple, like in every fucking thing that you do, you first make mistakes, but what you do is not a real comprehension of what you are doing, there is not even an exploration of the point for that matter, what I did is that I begun to program myself, giving for granted that by pleasing my partner everything was going to be okay, and I mean, what the fuck is that?! because that only makes both to remain doing exactly the same bullshit and even taking it to an extent in which both create more fears and I mean once that the relationship was done, I saw the real potential of what it could be and I saw that if I really cared for my couple, I would spoken, rather than keep quiet, and so on.

I still have desires of watching pornography, I mean it has become almost like a drug, and what I can also see is how my preferences for certain things became determined in what I wear, what I do, what I speak; and within that is fascinating that I searched for people that had similar preferences, similar sex constructs, I mean is the reflection of each other, and I can also see why is it that I created a lot of points of competition towards my friends, why? Because they were me, in that points, and I mean the very fact that I am saying that I “were those points” means that I defined myself accordingly to the things that I did, and you know is like when you think about the future and you are worried about it but only because one speaks about it as if it was left in the past and so on. But it is still here, I mean I am still experiencing the same desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the desire to watch pornography in separation of myself, when what I can see is that I am still participating in the same energetic experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue searching for porn pictures within my mind when I masturbate and when I have this experience of loneliness in which I try to cover it up with the energetic experience of an orgasmI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind shame to not confront my own experience towards pornography and within this what I can see is that what I have written above it is still manipulated by myself, as it is the actual you know just the, review of it, but there is still a lot that I am not sharing here and that I have not yet walked; the point of loneliness is something that I am just looking in this moment. And the experience has been there for a while but I have deliberately not explore it in self honesty and I am still letting a lot of moments of opportunity to get away with every single distraction that I allowtherefore I have to commit myself to be more discipline, to be more effective, to be more sincere and more direct with myself, If I just follow the reactions, I mean, I already know the consequences, and I know that I am walking to my own destruction if I continue like this, the only opportunity that I have is to explore what is yet unexploredI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately close myself in patterns that I know that are just like looking at the consequences of the point, but that are not the real source of the entire construct 8i will inspect this point of loneliness and I will be more effective within all of this, for me)till the next joke…

Tags: 7 years blog, 7 years journey to life blogs, 7 years to life process, accomplish, act, appreciation, babe, beautiful things, behavior patterns, blogs of freedom, body of a woman, circus, Clown, clowns, commitment, community, comprehension, conformation, control, couple, dating, desire, desteni, desteniIprocess, disguise, doll, emotions, equal life foundation, equality, equalmoney, feelings, forgiveness, fulfillment, fun, gaming, great, history, imbecile, incapibility, joke, lie, life, love, marriage, mediocrity, nose, oneness, opinion, paint, politics, porn, pornography, power, red, relationships, religion, sex, sexual intercourse, smile, society, specialness, spirituality, superior, sweet, truth, videogames, work

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The Journey of a Clown Day 25, A sense of Being “Alive”

The Journey of a Clown Day 24, Apathy is an Illusion

The Journey of a Clown Day 23, Fear of failure (Fear of school)

The Journey of a Clown Day 22, Fear of Making Mistakes

The Journey of a Clown Day 21, Fear of losing Relationships

The Journey of a Clown Day 20, Competition as Hate towards Self

The Journey of a Clown Day 19, Facing my fears

The Journey of a Clown Day 18, Victimization and Specialness as Pride Pt2

The Journey of a Clown Day 17, Victimization and Specialness as Pride

The Journey of a Clown Day 16, Pornography part 2

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