The Journey of a Clown Day 21, Fear of losing Relationships

5 Jan

Since several months a have already begun to see that the people around me has begun to react extensively to myself, as the way in which I have been taking my process to the point in which I have made a lot of things and decisions that has taken me to the point of conflict many times with many persons, and there was a moment in which I found myself alone, but in fact during those months in which I found myself alone, I also found that I now had more time to do my stuff, something I really enjoyed, nevertheless, as I have shared in the previous blog, the internal competition manifested as this greed, envy, jealousy, etc., is something that has remained within the relationships with the people with who I am still doing several activities, and I mean, I enjoy to be with them, because we do a lot of practical stuff, like for instance doing meetings to do social work, crafts as, you know the other day we were making a couple of pois to dance, and you know, shit like that. But I have not stopped to think and feel guilty for what I experience when being in front of them and their girlfriends or whatever, and that is also a point that was a point that I was afraid of speaking, because what I have seen is this fear of, not only loosing relationships but also going into conflict with these people, there has been a couple of times in which I have faced them and tell them what I was experiencing within myself, the reactions went better than what I actually expected, a little bit of discomfort took place within them and one of them told me that he didn’t trust me, but anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when seeing the experiences that I have created within me towards other people, not realizing that when I react towards my own experience I am actually stating that I still have value placed in such points and that I have identified and defined myself within such points, for which I have this sensation of guilt as if it were like saying to myself, I am not able to change and this is everything that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with guilt to my own inner experiences giving value and worth to such ideas by defining myself as that in which I have created judgments towards myself and towards others instead of seeing and realizing that instead of going into such reactions I can explore the point in self honesty without any fear at all, because I see and realize that it is just an illusion and it is not who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of fear of losing the relationships with the persons that I appreciate when seeing this reactions within me, like saying that I have accepted myself as those judgments and thoughts within me which I have projected towards the persons that I appreciate

I realize that the fear of losing relationships was just a scam that I created for myself as a way of diverting my attention and giving value to my inner judgments and even the relationships in itself in which I have placed that value in separation of me instead of allowing me to take responsibility for myself to no longer allow myself to participate in such judgments and thoughts and not only to these beings, but also to anything and everyone else in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create the experience of guilt as repentance to also create the experience of “that I am a good person for feeling guilty about this thoughts” in which I have not faced the thoughts but I have preserved the experience of being guilty to continue with my accepted pattern of participation within the emotions and feelings towards them and towards their girlfriends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards my friends in the secrecy of my mind instead of looking at such judgments and confront them in self honesty by asking myself; how is it that I have created such judgments within myself and how is it that I have related myself to such judgments? and within that not seeing that it is me who is giving value to such judgments and within that I am creating guilt because it is me who has defined himself in relation to such judgments as it is me seeing me reflected in those judgments projected in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by isolating myself from the people around me I am not going to solve the inner conflict within me, because I see that the way in which I have created all of me has been trough relationships and therefore, by isolating myself from the people around me, is like just creating another layer of separation that only difficult me even more to be able to stand up and forgive myself to change myself and change this world for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value and importance to the relationships in itself than to life, without realizing that life is not defining accordingly to any relationship as it is unconditional and therefore to fear to lose relationships becomes irrelevant as what they are is only the reflection of self interest as separation, in which I have created the ultimate form of abuse to life, based on manipulation and control of what is here trough mind relationships, like competition for example

How is it that I have created the relationships towards the people that I see in my world? I can see that I experience fear towards the people in my world, no body is able to be trusted and within me there are all of this forms of competition that makes of everyone in my world my enemy, but only with the exception of those in which I find myself interest able to be fulfilled. How is it that I have came to fear the people in my world? I can remember a lot of things, the school and my schoolmates, my parents always being afraid of me going out to the street and being robed in a couple of occasions, the news on television, I also have fear to the people when they look at me, it is like I see their faces and the disgust within them to look at me or you know, those specific looks of anger within the people. It is amazing, I have actually being exciting in my happy world of jokes and fun, and lights within my mind, but I have never seen what is really going on within this world, and also I don´t remember myself asking to myself what is really going on in this world. why? Because of fear

486971_531965050165061_1351288744_n

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I create competition towards the people in my world I make of everyone my enemy and therefore I place myself into a situation of constant and continuous stress as I fear everything and everyone in my world, by seeing them as a threat to “my life, my world” and I see and realize that within that I have placed value in separation of myself towards things in which I can focus my attention to divert everything of me to the energy so that I don´t have to see or worry about any other living being in my world because I see that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own fear, which I have also created to feel protected from everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world in which I live as I have also created the fear to think about what is going on, because maybe that sort of things could happen to me and as I don´t want to be on that situation I only ignore it and pretend that everything in my world is okay because I am protected in my home and in the commodity of a safe place in which I can hide from the negative thoughts, as in my home I have ways to entertain myself with television, food, exercise, porn, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard any other form of life as I have feared to get involved with what is here to actually do something because I fear to be harm as those that are actually suffering in this world, because of me not standing up and being the voice of those that actually have nothing to defend or protect themselves with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be harmed if I were to stand up and speak for those that are not hear, and I can extensively relate this point to the beginning of my process and when I was beginning to apply forgiveness, I was to shit scared that someone reacted to my words, and I had all of those thoughts and conspiracies about the people, in which I created a total psychosis about them and about being betrayed by them and shit like that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to apply self forgiveness out-loud as I have feared the reactions of the people around me as my family and my friends, then creating this energetic emotional experience of fear of losing relationships to apparently protect myself from losing them, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be robed by other human being as I have created fear of losing my personal belongings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value and worth within things that are separated from myself and that I have thought that if I were to lose such things I would not be able to “live the life” as I have accepted and allowed it to be and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that trough accepting and allowing myself to place value in stuff separated from myself I have allowed the life to be as it exists in the Capitalistic system that we have created

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 20, Competition as Hate towards Self

4 Jan

I am going to begin within this fear, which has in fact already manifested as a consequence, within the competition, but this is an internal competition, that I haven’t revealed to anyone, due to the fear of the consequences, not realizing that the consequences are already here manifested within me as the experience of competition in itself.

225083_1848422782453_2636510_n

What is it that motivates the continuation of deception within myself? The temptation to divert the attention towards that which is the desire in itself, the reaching of something which is not me, which is more than me, which is separated from me.

I can see a recent experience that actually can describe this that is happening within myself; I have been looking for so long to the relationships of my friends(Free ends),  I am not speaking about them as my friends, I am speaking about who they are, and of that which I envy of them. I was looking at their girlfriends, and I also see the moments in which I met them, I fell in love of them, the girlfriends of my friends, I have already walked this in a previous blog, but certainly, now I am able to look at the relationship specifically, as I have already shared, I did a lot of things to be part of the group to be able to be with the girl which I liked, but what I haven’t walked yet, is what I experience when I am in front of my friends and their girlfriends.

When I am in front of the girlfriends of my friends, I have seen myself plotting and desiring to be with their girlfriends, and this also has been a point that I have taken within myself to try to become better than my friends at the eyes of their girlfriends, in fact, I can see a pattern between how I have  seen everything as a picture and also how I have considered myself to be a picture, because is like that I am trying to become a symbol of desire in the mind of others, and for that I have made of myself a picture of such desires, an entire self manipulation, and I mean this have sense, because is like as the saying, to be the perfect illusionist, you have to not only deceive the public, you have also to deceive yourself for it to be more real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plot against my friends so that I can create this illusion for myself of an opportunity with their girlfriends, then the friend is not really a friend isn’t it? or not as I have live it, and walked it and I mean, I am again placing the responsibility in separation of myself, because I am seeing me doing this and I have tried to become better at the eyes of others, when within me I never gave a fuck about the bullshit that I was doing. Actually I never dare to look at the real bullshit that I have been doing, I just placed beautiful pictures within my mind of their girlfriends and there was my desire to be with them, to have them and you know, the whole scenario and shit like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with the girlfriends of my friends, by following this energetic experience and creating and entire state of competition to be like my friends as I perceived myself to be inferior to them by creating comparisons and judgments towards myself as the inferiority in itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to my friends, through placing value judgments within me as pictures of what I have perceived them to be, not realizing that is me who is looking and giving value to such points when maybe, they don´t even care about such things and you know, maybe they are seeing at other things within me in which I don´t place value and so on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in separation of myself as pictures and demonstrations of skills(self kill) which I have considered to be SPECIAL and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth in skills with I have perceived that makes me someone special, without ever realizing that I have created the fear in which if I were to lose such skills I would apparently become diminished or not existent (at the eyes of others) but what would remain then is the real me, the reality of myself

I commit myself to confront that in which I have placed value and worth in separation of me, myself to reveal to me who I am without any of those things in which I have placed value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be exposed in this fear as I have feared to confront the reality of myself and the consequences from which I have been hiding of, as this internal competition that I didn´t allowed myself to reveal to anyone, not even to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be self honest as I realize that I already knew that I would have to face my own consequences and what I have accepted and allowed within me as myself.

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 19, Facing my fears

3 Jan

I am going to be walking my fears before getting to the greatest fear of all, I guess that it will also be more easy for me to see my own fear by confronting the fear of the possibility that my father die.

I am thinking, where should I begin? and this is already a reference that I already know where to begin, but I am diverting my attention to the energetic emotional experience instead of looking directly to my own fear, and I think that I begin to understand why it is that this point manifests, when I think about fears, I am searching and evaluating the amount of energy that I experience from many pictures, memories, situations, ideas and so on, but I am not looking directly at one of them and you know, taking it and exploring it, then what I would be doing is to look at the resistance in itself and then from there walk the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought: where do I begin? not seeing that my own fear is already manifesting itself as this doubt, as the question in itself “where do I begin?”, so another question is why is it that I am creating resistances to speak out my own fear? Is it that do I fear my own fear? and How is it possible that the fear, fears itself? Is interesting, the fear cannot fear itself, because it is already that which is fear itself, but, if the fear cannot fear itself and I have been in fact walking in my daily living, doing a lot of stuff that I don´t even see as a point of fear and I justify it as something that is normal when in fact what is behind of it is fear, and there are a lot of points that represents like you know, a point in which the relationship with fears is in danger I will then avoid it because it would show me then that I am not that fear, and that I don´t have to live as that fear.

The question of “where do I begin?” is a form of fear, that is placed as another form of energy, but every single thing within the mind comes and depends of fear to sustain itself as it exists, therefore, what I am able to see is that all and everything that I am and have become is a manifestation of fear and that is why, I see this world as NORMAL, because it is already me, this world is me and what is going on within this world, this circus, is me, I have become the circus and therefore what the circus is showing me, is that I am within the Circus, and I am able to stop the circus by allowing myself to stop everything that I have created of me as the circus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to confront my own fear by creating another forms of energetic experiences so that I don´t question what is going on within this world, this circus, and within myself.

So, if my questions are deliberately placed as a form of diversion, what I require to do is to formulate real questions, and to look deep in myself if that question is really a point of self honesty to confront myself, because as long as I define my questions within an structure of finding like, you know, just the “quick answer = justification” for everything, then nothing is really going to move, or change at all.

Then, how is it that I created the fear within myself? what is the purpose or the reason for it to exist? There is something that this fear doesn’t want me to look at. The ego knows everything about me, nevertheless I also know what is existing within me and therefore I will give to myself the answer of myself, the answer to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am able to give to myself the answer if I allow myself to confront my own fear, because the fear in itself is existing within me because I exist, If I didn’t exist this fear would not exist, and if this fear doesn’t want me to look at me, and to realize that I exist, and that in fact I am able to do something about me, and about my world, then this fear is also limited, as limited as I am, because in my existence as fear I have become it, therefore I have to walk myself out of it, and to do that, I have to walk each and every single fucking fear that I had created within me and within my world as the experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me and to see that I actually really exists and therefore that I am able to do something about me, because I do not depend of the energetic experience to move me, as I am able to move myself for myself and exist here, and I realize that, that is only able to happen if I allow myself to be independent of each and every single form of emotion, feeling, energy, reaction, etc., therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the energetic experiences within me as I created a certain sense of commodity in relation to other experiences that depend of fear in itself, like love, the love for my father, which is deception as I see that my interest has been that of money. I guess that, that (dad) is a nice point to begin with.

How is it that I have created such relationship towards my father?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I love my father, when I have not seen that I do not have to say that to myself, I do not have to convince myself if that were real, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince me that I love my father, and now I am asking within myself, but then why is it that I have created so much lies within me? why is it that I have allowed myself so much conflict and shame within me and within my world? I mean, is not about my father, is about each and every single form and expression within this world, if I really cared, I would not be looking for another fucking thing, because the world is already here and I am here with and as this world, I see the lies that I have told to my father and to myself, I see all the suffering that I have create towards my father and how it has affected him, many times I asked myself, why is it that my father has got so angry at us? I never tried to understand him, as I never tried to understand this world, for me it was very easy to create a beautiful feeling towards everything in this world, and pictures and knowledge about it, but, when do I tried to even look at this world and ask myself if it really deserves that I allow such abuse within me? The responsibility resides where I take responsibility for myself, knowing that it will benefit everyone, that has nothing to do with love, it is equality, it is oneness (do onto other as you would like to be done onto you)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself as I have allowed me to become a clown, a joke to life and I have not considered that, I have allowed me to abuse life, to abuse me, to abuse everything in this existence and I have created this circus as it exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take responsibility for myself means to take care of life, and I can see this in many moments in which I saw that what I was doing was in fact dishonest, as I went with my friends to drink alcohol and take drugs when my father asked me to not do it, and I mean, is not about the point of obedience and you know the family values and so on, it is about that I became someone that is not able to be trusted, I did not took into consideration that what I was doing was in fact an abuse to my physical body, and I mean, I knew what I was doing, but I allowed myself to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become someone that is not able to be trusted as I have not even regarded and honored my own words and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself as life, by allowing myself to use my words as manipulation tactics, as lies, to be able to have the energetic experiences of the drugs of the experiences of the mind

530437_134468273374353_872334613_n

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of guilt around this realization to victimize myself within the thoughts, “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention” therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thoughts “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention”, when actually I knew what I was doing, and I see that what I have created and what I am experiencing are my own consequences.

I commit myself to confront each and every single fear and point of dishonesty so that I am able to stand up as a real being that takes care of life, and that actually cares about life

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 18, Victimization and Specialness as Pride Pt2

2 Jan

Continuing with this point, I was where I saw how by allowing myself to be acquiescent, I have also created the point in which I sustain the abuse towards me and towards this world. Nevertheless, I also see that I have not allowed myself to be enough specific within this process as I have not yet understood the relationships towards myself within my mind.

OK, so, How is it that I have created the relationship of Victimization and how it is related to the experience (as the excuse to feel sorry for myself) of loneliness? But before getting to that I remember that I left some points opened that I didn’t explored in self honesty, as the experience of fear to be see as weak, and I also assume that this connection between the experience of victimization and loneliness is also related to this particular fear of being seen as weak, if I see this as a form of hiding, how is it that I have came to this point of hiding myself and why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of victimization as an excuse to hide myself within using the justification that I feel alone, then how is it that I have created this relationship of feeling alone towards myself? because is actually quite interesting that I have given  value and worth to such experience when actually I am here, and I mean, yes, I am alone, but this experience of loneliness is more like a dependency towards something or someone, because when I have this experience what I have done is that I always use it to justify to go to play videogames and get distracted from the energetic experience or also I have been creating like a certain experience of depression, but I mean, does that change anything at all? or I am using such experiences to actually place myself in those situations for the search of more energetic experiences? If that is so, it is then obvious that this is a form of addiction, addiction to depression as a negative experience and within that what I can also see is that when I create such experiences I am also going into an experience of specialness, but this specialness is dependent of the victimization, in the sense that I have given so much value and worth to the negative experience that I have seen it as something that has importance and within this I have pretended to gave importance to myself in that way, as a victim of almost a form of abuse, but, it is an abuse that I am creating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create experiences of self victimization and self sorry, to create an experience of specialness within this, creating a point of attention and energy that is accumulated within this points, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships between the memories and the experience of self victimization as self sorry to place this points as me and to experience the energy as me

I understand, I have to create relationships to be able to place the energetic experience as myself to be able to experience it, therefore, the point of loneliness as the diversion of attention is only a tactic to keep myself searching for relationships/experiences =energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone and for accepting myself to create the experience of loneliness, well actually, if I didn’t had the experience of loneliness it should be impossible for me to feel alone, I mean, is like when a baby cries, why? because it is searching for attention, and I mean if I learned when I was a baby that I would receive attention if I victimized and myself and cried, everything that I have been doing is actually remaining a baby… now I see the relationship towards my father again and how it is that I became worried for his death only because, that is like the point in which I have created this relationship towards money, my own survival, and actually anything less than really seeing in self honesty what all of this entails, would be like the ultimate act of stupidity, and that is not funny at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this experiences of depression and obsession for relationships and attention to be able to have what I wanted, instead of allowing myself to be independent and learn how to actually take care of myself and enjoy myself, because really, there is nothing else to do in this world than walking each and every single construct and give to self the opportunity to change

430683_500649723301812_2142514868_n

Till the next joke… in the point of fear of death